My young mother died in an accidental fire 48 years ago this month.

It was Devil’s Night in Southwest Detroit. October 30th, 1978. I was 10 months old. My grandfather, living in the apartment below, was home that night, smelled the smoke, and by the grace of the Divine found the strength to carry me and my older sisters out of from our upper unit apartment. Sadly, my mother didn’t make it out.

I’m not sharing this to pull at your heartstrings. I’m sharing it because the first smell of a fall bonfire activates something in me every October, and this year I finally have words for it.

October is the month of transformation. The leaves change and fall, the harvest ends, and the old Samhain bonfires mark this same turning, the time when something dies so something new can be born.

The fire that took my mother is the one I light with purpose, every single day.

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When I sat down to write this week’s article, I did what I always do. I went into the Akashic Records and asked my Guides what my readers needed to hear right now.

It didn’t look the way it usually does. I climbed a path of lit marble stairs, passing fountains that poured down like rivers from above. I walked through an enormous arched doorway flooded with light, and I was led to a fountain like the kind you’d find in the middle of a big city center but quieter. I was asked to step in.

So I did. Water poured over me from above and cleansed me from the outside in.

I thought right away of this month’s channeled message, which asked us to cleanse our energy with water and to work with the violet flame of transmutation. (Two elements in one message, and I’d just been dropped into one of them.)

Water has always been my reset button. I’ve lived lakeside for 25 years and can’t picture a home without it outside my back door. When I travel, I go find it, whether that’s the ocean in Costa Rica or the turquoise sea in Greece. I feel held in water. I sink into a hot Epsom salt bath with the blinds open just enough for a stripe of sunshine to land on my face, and something in me comes back online. It’s as if something within me is being reprogrammed.

You may be wondering what my mother’s death and a fountain in the Records have to do with each other. Stick with me. I’m about to show you.

Fire and water. Two elements that look like opposites, and both have been in my life since before I could walk.

Standing in that fountain, I felt my body let go and soften like a sweet surrender to a power outside of my own knowing. Nobody was asking me to relive the loss. I was being invited to work with what fire can do. Fire ends things, yes. It’s also the oldest transformer we know, the element that turns one form into another. Death and rebirth live in the same flame.

That’s transmutation: handing the heaviest thing you’ve been carrying to the element that has the ability to change it.

I don’t think I’m the only one feeling this. So many of you have told me something is percolating under the surface right now that you can’t name yet. The Records showed me we’re in a time of big transition on Earth, and we’ve been given the elements to move through it. We can use them to turn pain into pleasure and tragedy into triumph, and to alchemize the old, stagnant energy we’ve been clinging to without even realizing it.

Shamanism and the elements

The word Shaman traces back to the Evenki people of northern Siberia, where saman is said to mean “to know” or “to heat”. To know and to heat. Those are the Records and a candle flame, right there in one word. The idea of Shamanism became widely popular by historian Mircea Eliade’s 1951 book, translated into English in 1964, and while scholars still debate how much he lumped together, evidence of Shamanic practices goes as far back as 40,000 years. Many lineages around the world, from the Andes to Mexico, have worked with nature and non-ordinary reality as partners in healing and transmutation. Bringing something to a zero point.

Five elements, not four

Toltec Shaman Don José Ruiz teaches the medicine wheel and its association with earth, air, fire, and water, and reminds us we are connected through the air we breathe, the ground beneath our feet, and the water that makes up 60%-75% of our bodies. Sandra Ingerman, one of the best-known Shamanic teachers in the West, writes about transmutation, the ancient art of transforming toxic substances into safe ones, which she says appears across the world’s spiritual traditions. She also teaches that toxic thoughts can do as much damage as toxic chemicals.

So the elements are partners in the work, not just poetry. Your body is made of them, which is why they can change what’s stuck and stagnant in you.

Earth. You’ve heard the advice to walk barefoot in the grass. Skin on the ground lets the Earth’s electrons settle into your system; it’s called earthing or grounding. There is evidence that it causes better and deeper sleep, less pain, and my personal experience has been a feeling of renewed energy and being naturally uplifted. It’s like nature’s eraser of my mind and body. When people say go hug a tree, it’s because the tree is a living, sentient being that holds earth energy that reignites the senses and connects you with the balance of nature.

Air. Breath is the element I respect most, partly because I’ve lived with life-threatening asthma my whole life. The breath is a vital life force. It’s chi in Chinese medicine and prana in Sanskrit. If you’re not breathing, you’re dying. I even have an infinity sign, a heart, and the word breathe tattooed on my right wrist. Probably the one and only tattoo I’ll ever have. This represents the whole cycle of eternal life.

In Shamanism, the wind is the messenger that carries your prayers up to Spirit and clears what’s stagnant. The first breathwork I learned in my Shamanic training was nadi shodhana, alternate nostril breathing, which is used to attune your energy before entering altered states. Alternate nostril breathing can clear stagnant and lower frequencies as well and bring you back to a zero point energetically.

Fire. Fire is the element of the violet flame, the practice this month’s transmission asked us to work with. Light a purple candle, name what you’re ready to release, such as grief or anger, or anything that is keeping you stuck. Could be a belief that is keeping you hidden or small. Really anything. And let the flame transmute it into a higher vibration. I light my purple candle at my desk every day to call in benevolent beings. The flicker of the flame and the illumination of purple signify renewal, hope, and pure potential.

Water. Water is the one I could talk about for hours. There’s a study I find fascinating.

Japanese researcher Masaru Emoto spent years exposing water to words and music, freezing it, and photographing the resulting crystals under a microscope. He reported that water exposed to loving words froze into more orderly, symmetrical crystals, bringing it into coherence. In 2006, he teamed up with researcher Dean Radin on a double-blind version. About 2,000 people in Tokyo focused a prayer of gratitude, led by Emoto, toward water sitting in a shielded room at the Institute of Noetic Sciences in California, some 5,000 miles away. The samples were then sent to Emoto’s lab in Japan. The water was frozen, and the crystals were photographed, and judges who didn’t know which was which rated them. The crystals from the water that received the loving intention were found to be significantly more beautiful than the others.

And something else that is really cool is that there is evidence that exposure to lakes, rivers, and seas is linked to better mental health and well-being. After 25 years living lakeside, I sign off on this proof.

Light. This is my favorite to work with, and the one people leave off the list. I work in the Records because it’s made of light, and in my Angelic Reiki sessions, I call on the loving energy of Source Light to help heal my clients.

Using light as a healing tool and as medicine isn’t just in my imagination. Hospitals use it too. Photodynamic therapy uses a light to kill cancer cells, and it’s approved for esophageal cancer, non-small cell lung cancer, and some skin cancers, as well as some others. I’m not trying to convince you that Reiki treats cancer, and nothing here replaces medical care but I am telling you light does something to living tissue, and medicine is still figuring this out. Another one that I can completely get on board with.

Much of my light work happens in non-ordinary reality, the realm entered through journeying, meditation, or by accessing the Akashic Records. So you may be wondering…is it real? A University of Michigan study put 24 Shamanic practitioners and 24 controls under EEG during drumming, and the Shamanic practitioners showed a distinct altered state with increased gamma activity, one that overlaps with the psychedelic state but without substances. Proof that work inside the theta state is real and accessible. I can only speak from my own experience and my clients’. It takes a willingness, an opening to the channel or quantum field, and some trust that the light is doing what light does. Healing what is out of balance and bringing it back to coherence.

October is asking you to let something burn, and the old, stagnant energy you’ve been carrying without knowing it is ready to go. Every element is available to you right now as a partner. Give it a try and notice what shifts. And transmutation doesn’t skip over what’s been heavy and stuck. At its core, it works to finally release it for good. That’s the power of your intention. That’s the power of alchemy.

Here’s what I’m doing with it this month

I bless my water. I hold my 32-ounce Yeti in one hand and send Reiki and light into it with the other, while I speak prayers and mantras of gratitude and love into the water. My Guides suggested this daily ritual and it’s become one of my favorites so far this month. And as usual, there is an Epsom salt bath somewhere on the calendar this month. Maybe two.

I’m working with the violet flame on a wound that I have held for lifetimes, around my voice and my sense of safety speaking my truth. That one runs deep, and I’ll take you into it in a future article. For now, I’ll just say that when something comes up, I light the candle, name it, and hand it to the flame.

Here are four ways to try it yourself this month. Pick whichever one calls to you. Or even give them all a go.

• Bless your water. Hold a glass in one hand and rest the other over it. Send it gratitude and light, say what you’d like it to do for your body, and drink it slowly, allowing the blessings to fill you up from the inside.

• Box Breathing. Inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Do five rounds. Don’t force the air to move; just allow it to saturate your body and system.

• Light a purple flame. Light a purple candle (any candle works). Name what you’re ready to bring to zero point, picture placing it in the flame, and watch it change. Stay with the candle while it burns. If you don’t have a physical purple candle, I get mine on Amazon 2 day shipping, you can imagine the candle and violet flame in your meditation. It works just as well as if it were sitting on your desk in front of you.

• Touch the ground. Get your bare feet on grass, soil, or sand for 10 minutes. It’s cold in October, so bundle up and take whatever time you can. And if you’re like me, living in the Midwest, visit an apple orchard, get your hands in the dirt by picking some fresh apples or pumpkins.

To my mother, wherever the light has taken you: I feel you every October. This month I’m honoring you by lighting a flame and standing in the water. The fire that ended your life taught me what transformation looks like, and I’m so grateful for the breath and life you’ve given me.

If anything in this stirred something in you, that’s not a coincidence. That’s your soul asking for more.

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If you’re not sure where to start, take the Soul Signal Assessment at nikkiheals.com/free-quiz. It takes a few minutes and shows you where you are in your own remembering.

All my love,
Nikki K

Which element are you being called to work with, and what do you think it’s asking of you? Tell me in the comments; I’d love to know.

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If you missed it, the October Akashic Record channeled transmission has been released and is ready for you.

This transmission is for those who are finally ready to look at the things they are afraid of directly in the eye.

October is when the veil lifts and what has been kept in the dark suddenly comes to light. Will you be courageous enough? Will you be willing to let go of your resistance? Are you ready to see the truth?

Every month I channel the energy inside the Akashic Records to see what’s coming up for my community, and this time the Records didn’t meet me where I usually arrive. I wasn’t lifted into the light to stand before the Divine Council. I was taken down a dark staircase into a cold, quiet cave and told to keep walking.

This month’s message includes a spirit animal guide, the medicine she carries, and a message on how to work with the energy for your own soul growth. Because that’s what we’re here for.

This channeled message is exclusive to paid subscribers because the transmission is sacred and deserves its own space. Your first message is complimentary, so you can get a taste and feel of what these transmissions are about. They aren’t just messages; they are healings from the Akashic Records.

Don’t take my word for it. Become a paid subscriber and receive my Akashic Record Transmissions each month, filled with clarity, guidance, and medicine. Also included are four Soul Discovery questions to help you work with the energy of October and use the medicine for your soul growth.

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Each month I channel the energy inside the Akashic Records to see what’s coming up for my community. September came in quietly. Not with fire or a flash of green or a candlelit room. It came in like that moment you open your closet and realize half of what’s hanging there no longer belongs to you.

That is the energy of this month. Clearing. Releasing. Making space for something you can’t quite see yet but can already feel coming.

This month’s message includes a spirit animal guide, the medicine she carries, and 4 soul discovery questions to take you deeper into the energy of September.

This channeled message is exclusive to paid subscribers because the transmission is sacred and deserves its own space.

Wanna know what it is? Become a paid subscriber and receive my Akashic Record Transmissions each month, filled with clarity, guidance, and medicine. Also included are 4 Soul Discovery questions to help you work with the energy of September and use the medicine for your soul growth.

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Every month I enter the Akashic Records to catch a glimpse into the energy that’s coming and allow it to move through me. August came in scattered at first. Fragmented and a little disorienting. And then it all started to made sense.

What came through this month looked like an unexpected harvest. The kind where you planted one thing and something completely different erupted from the earth. Bigger. Brighter. More than you had ever planned for.

This month’s message includes a spirit animal guide, the medicine she carries, and soul-discovery questions to take you deeper into August's energy.

This channeled message is exclusive for paid subscribers because the transmission is sacred and deserves its own space.

Wanna know what it is? Become a paid subscriber and receive my Akashic Record Transmissions each month, filled with clarity, guidance, and medicine.

Also included are 4 Soul Discovery questions to help you work with the energy of August and use the medicine for your soul growth.

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This is the piece I never thought I’d write, about forgiving the parent I spent decades defending.

They say to forgive and forget. Two words people love to string together like they’re the same thing.

But they are not. Not even close.

For most of my life, I thought I’d already done the forgiveness work with my father. I didn’t feel the rage you hear about in every trauma memoir. I felt something quieter than that. Something that looked, from the outside, like peace.

It wasn’t peace at all. It was peace dressed up as a very good form of avoidance.

I was five years old when the state removed me from my father’s care. And even then, somehow, I understood he didn’t know how to keep me safe. I had empathy for him before I could even understand what happened to me. That empathy felt generous and kind. If I had empathy, I didn’t have to face the cold, hard truth of what my father actually did to me. Or maybe I should say what he didn’t do for me: protect me.

Then I started doing the real deep inner work of healing my complex childhood trauma.

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Empathy Disguised As Healing

For years, my father wasn’t someone I needed to heal from. He was someone I thought I understood. At least that’s what I convinced myself of. He didn’t know better. He was broken before I was even born. What was there to forgive in a man who never had a chance himself?

That story held up fine on the surface. Underneath it, my body kept score in ways my mind refused to.

Migraines. Autoimmune flares. A body that never fully relaxed, no matter how many yoga classes or meditation sessions I threw at it. I didn’t connect any of it to my father for years. Why would I? I’d already forgiven him. I’d decided that a long time ago, hadn’t I?

When I finally started doing deep inner work, not for anyone else, but for me, the empathy I’d been so proud of started to crumble. Underneath it was rage I had never let myself feel. Judgment I didn’t know I was still holding. I called him weak. A coward. Neglectful. Unloving. Words I never would have said out loud a decade earlier, and here they were coming from an invisible space I refused to recognize before.

I remember being seven, in a foster home, all alone, that wasn’t his house anymore, and another kid asking why I didn’t live with my parents. I told them my dad was sick. Not sick like a cold. Sick like something he didn’t choose. I was a child, already running PR for a grown man’s absence. That’s not empathy, it’s a nervous system deciding it’s safer to protect the adult than to feel the abandonment and embarrassment of being left.

And the wound didn’t just live in my relationship with him. It lived in my marriage. In how much power I handed to Paul without realizing it, because somewhere in me, a little girl still believed love was something you had to earn by disappearing a little. I didn’t trust men to stay, not really. I didn’t trust myself to be safe without one. That was my father wound, and it ran deeper than any stab to the heart. The thing is, it doesn’t stay in your childhood. It quietly follows you into every situation you walk into as an adult, especially in relationships that involve men.

I went back and forth for a long time between the empathy and the rage. Some weeks I’d feel compassion for the lost man he must have been. Other weeks I wanted nothing to do with him at all.

When I was a rebellious teen holding quiet rage, I completely cut him off for years. Not wanting to be bothered. Just the way he didn’t want to be bothered with being a loving and supportive father to my two sisters and me, when my mother passed away. Feeding us to the wolf, his live-in abusive and psychotic drug-addicted girlfriend and turning the other way.

When the Words Don’t Come

Here’s the part nobody tells you about the work of forgiveness. At some point, you sit down to forgive the person for real, and the words won’t come.

I truly tried. I sat with intention, in meditation, in journaling, in imagined conversations, and nothing could be said to express how I really felt. It all felt hollow and forced. Like I was performing a paragraph from a trauma healing book instead of living one. And I rehearsed his response, afraid that I would never get from him what I needed. I didn’t even know what that actually was because there were never any expectations when it came to my dad.

That’s when I realized I wasn’t struggling to forgive my father because I didn’t love him enough. I was struggling because I still thought forgiveness was something I owed him. A gift I’d hand over once he’d earned it, or apologized enough, or had become someone different.

The point was never to release him from responsibility; it was to release me from the rage, grief, and betrayal that lived deep in my body. I didn’t want the energetic tie to direct my life any longer.

Ho’Oponopono Teaches To Let Go

There’s a practice I turned to once I understood that forgiveness isn’t about him, it’s about my own freedom, called Hoʻoponopono. It’s an ancient Hawaiian prayer of reconciliation, and I think of it less as forgiveness in the way we’re taught to picture it, and more as alchemy. You’re not transforming the other person. You’re transforming what their story is still doing inside your own mind, body, and spirit, and how that creates friction and more struggle than we sometimes realize.

The prayer is four simple, yet powerful, statements

I’m sorry

Please forgive me

I love you

Thank you

Read that again slowly, because most people assume it’s meant to be said to the person who hurt you. It isn’t. You’re saying it to your own experience of them. To the part of you that’s still holding the memory, the wound, the story. You’re not asking this person for forgiveness. You’re releasing your own pain and suffering around it.

Dr. Hew Len was a psychologist who worked with a ward of criminally insane patients in a Hawaii state hospital. The ward was considered one of the most dangerous in the system. It couldn’t stayed staffed. The patients were shackled, medicated, kept under constant restraint because of their mental state. The doctor never held a single session with any of the patients. Instead, he reviewed each patient’s file and, privately, repeated the Hoʻoponopono prayer over what he found there, taking responsibility not for what they did, but for the energy that kept them tied to it. It was documented that, over time, repeating the Hoʻoponopono prayer transformed the hospital. The patients were taken off medications, and staff turnover dwindled. Eventually the hospital closed, not because of budget cuts but because there was no longer a need. That is how powerful this prayer and intention is.

I don’t tell you that story to promise you a miracle. I tell you because it paints the picture of how true healing works. We think the work is out there, on the other person, waiting for them to change, apologize, or finally get it. You could be waiting a lifetime for other people to finally wake TFU. The work is always, always, inside our own energetic field. That is what radical self-responsibility is.

Trauma doesn’t just live as a memory in the mind. It lives in the body, in the nervous system, in our auric field, and can outlast the actual event. Your nervous system doesn’t know the difference between a story you’re remembering and a threat happening right now. So every time you replay it, every time you rehearse the rage or the justification, your body responds as if it’s happening now. It’s an actual energetic cord that lives on until you decide you are ready to release it. It’s also a physiological loop your system keeps running because some part of you believes staying attached to the old wound is what keeps you safe. Forgive doesn’t mean forget.

Forgiveness doesn’t eliminate responsibility for the other person. It teaches your nervous system that the danger is over and it is safe to finally let go. It’s the permission slip that has been sitting on the kitchen counter waiting to be signed. Once it is, you can finally feel free again.

This shows up for you too, whether the person is a parent, an ex, a friend who betrayed you, or a version of yourself you haven’t forgiven yet. The wound isn’t the problem anymore; it’s the unwillingness to let go.

Forgiveness On Your Terms

Forgiveness was never about letting your father, mother, husband, friend, or whoever your version of them is, off the hook. It was never about deciding what they deserved. Every time you withhold forgiveness, waiting for someone to earn it, you’re the one still standing in the pot of boiling hot water, tied to the story, unable to get out of it.

This process, because it’s a process, doesn’t ever need to be rushed. You are allowed to forgive when YOU are ready, not when a podcast tells you it’s time, not when someone else thinks you should be over it by now. Some healings take time. Mine took decades. There is no shame in doing it your way on your terms. I actually encourage you to do this when you feel ready. Maybe that starts with a small step. One statement, not all four at the same time.

But I’d be lying to you if I said there was no cost to waiting forever. If that readiness never comes, you don’t get to skip the consequence. You continue to carry the grief, rage, the story, all of it remains as an invisible ache in your body, running your reactions, shaping who you let close and who you keep at arm’s length, whether you ever look at it again or not. Forgiveness is not an obligation, and it’s not a moral report card. But when it finally comes, when you finally release your grip on a story you’ve been holding since before you knew how to hold anything, it is a sweet release. Nothing else feels quite like it. I can only name it as liberation from what’s held you back and kept you in loops that silently run your life.

The Drive That Changed My Life

So instead of holding the empathy story on the surface and the rage underneath it, I started doing the actual work.

I practiced the Ho’oponopono prayer, again and again, not for my father’s benefit but for my own. I wrote him a letter of forgiveness I never intended to send. It all mattered because I was becoming the person I was meant to be. Not letting the pains of my past direct my life but allowing my connection with Divine love and acceptance to create a new reality.

But there was still a pressure underneath it all, quiet and persistent. Something a letter and a prayer couldn’t fully alchemize. I went back and forth in my head for years about whether saying it to him in person even mattered anymore. Whether it would change anything. Whether he’d even understand what I was telling him or if he would say those words to me that I longed to hear. I love you. I am sorry.

A few months ago, I drove to his house. And I told him, in person, that I forgive him. That I love him.

I didn’t do it for some dramatic reconciliation scene. I did it because I didn’t want him carrying that unfinished business with him when he passes. And I didn’t want to carry it either. It was uncomfortable. Part of me wanted to turn the car around more than once. But I kept going, and when I said the words out loud to his face, something in me finally let go. Not because he earned it but because I was ready to stop holding the door open for a story that no longer needed to live in me.

A Forgiveness Practice To Start Now

You don’t need a dramatic in-person conversation to start this. You just need to start where I did: inside myself, saying the words to my own experience before I ever said them to him.

This week, try this. Think of one relationship where you’re still holding a story, a judgment, a cord you haven’t cut. It might be a parent. It might be yourself. Sit quietly, hand on your chest if that helps you feel it in your body, and say these four lines slowly, directing them at your own experience of that person or moment.

I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.

Say it once. Or say it every night this week. Notice what shifts in your body, not your thoughts. That’s where this work hits.

I know how far away that sweet release can feel when you’re still in the empathy or the rage or the back and forth between them. I lived there for years. But the version of you that’s still holding the story isn’t failing anything by not being done yet. She’s simply not there yet. I trust you’ll know the moment you are, the same way I finally did, standing in front of my father saying words I never thought I’d say out loud and hearing back from him, I love you, I am sorry. The sweetest release of my life.

Do This Next

If this stirred something in you, that father wound, that pattern of giving your power away, that story you keep almost releasing and then picking back up, that’s not a coincidence. That’s your soul asking for more. Be gentle, be kind, and gracious with yourself. Healing isn’t something you convince yourself of or force because you think you should. Your heart knows the truth and the way. Follow it. And when you’re ready to let go of your pain from the past, forgiveness is a great next step.

I followed my intuition to forgive my father; yours may be quietly nudging you to take the next step.

If you’re not sure how your intuition speaks to you, take the Soul Signal Assessment. It only takes a few minutes and will show you exactly how your intuition communicates and how to use it to guide you in life.

👉 Take My Soul Signal Assessment

And if you’re ready to go deeper, Soul & Mind Alchemy, my private mentorship, walks you through four phases: Remembering, Releasing, Returning, and Living. It’s for the woman who is done cycling through the same story and ready to come home to herself. You can learn more here.

👉Take My Power Back and Live With Freedom

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All my Love, Nikki K 🩷♾️

You may have missed these other insights👇

Do the inner work of healing trauma and live with joy, peace, and happiness. At least that’s the promise everyone sells you.

It’s only half true.

Here’s what I have never said out loud…

I’ve done the deep inner work of healing my childhood abandonment. I have held my inner child like she was the most precious thing in the world, because she is. I have sat in ceremony, cried in sessions, and felt genuine, real, bone-deep release.

And I still carry a grief in my heart that has never fully packed its bags and left.

Maybe grief isn’t your thing though. Maybe what keeps circling back for you isn’t grief at all.

Maybe it’s shame that shows up the second you say what you actually want out loud.

Maybe it’s guilt every time you choose yourself over someone else’s comfort.

Maybe it’s resentment toward a person you swore you’d already forgiven, or that old, familiar ache of not feeling worthy, the one that whispers you have to earn your place at the table every damn time you sit down.

Whatever yours is, if you’ve done the work, all of it- the therapy, the journaling, the breathwork, the energy healing, and it’s still lurking in there somewhere, I need you to keep reading because this one is for you.

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Ten Days in the ICU

I have lived with life-threatening asthma my entire life. Hospitalized more than two dozen times. One of those trips, I almost didn’t make it back home.

I had just turned thirty. I was deeply stressed and ignoring it, the kind of stress that eats at your gut and makes your appetite vanish completely. I wasn’t talking about any of it. I was doing what I had always done, dealing with it quietly and moving forward, because that’s all I had ever known.

My husband, bless him, had become an NPC (non-playing character) in our own family. He was working every waking hour of every day, leaving me to care for two toddlers, a household, and a growing real estate career on my own. I was lonely in a marriage. I was stressed in a body that had been holding trauma since before I could form full sentences. And eventually, my body did what bodies do when we won’t listen to them on purpose. It made me listen.

I had a severe asthma attack that no amount of breathing treatments or steroids would touch. I was intubated and placed into a medically induced coma, fifteen days after celebrating a milestone birthday. I caught pneumonia while I was under and spent ten days in the ICU. I also had a near-death experience. I’ll save that story for another day.

My daughters were one and three years old. It was Christmas 2007, and I was laid up in a hospital bed.

It Was Never Just in My Mind

Here’s what I know now that I couldn’t have understood then.

That grief was never only in my mind. It was living in my cells, my fascia, the tissue of my body, waiting for a moment when my system got quiet enough, or desperate enough, to finally speak up.

I have spent almost a decade since then repairing and restoring my own sense of sovereignty and power. Some days I feel like I’ve climbed the entire mountain and reached the peak.

I look out at my life like a view from the summit and feel victory over what happened to me as a child. Death of my mother at 10 months old. A house fire I nearly escaped. Real torture and abuse at the hands of my father’s live-in girlfriend. 5 years and 6 foster homes later. Adopted to unloving parents who saw the system as a business. I was a survivor. I was a victor over my circumstances.

What I didn’t know, for years, was that I was still carrying that grief in my body, and that it was the actual root underneath my life long asthma.

Some days that sadness, that old longing for love, still peeks its head out just to remind me, oh hey, I’m still here.

For you, it might not be sadness that peeks its head out. It might be the shame that shows up right before you set a boundary. The guilt that arrives the moment you finally rest. The resentment that flares when someone you love disappoints you the exact same way, again. Or that low hum underneath everything, the one that says you still have to prove yourself to earn an abundant life.

It doesn’t come to punish you. It comes because there’s still something inside asking for a compassionate witness without judgment.

Healing Isn’t A Straight Line, It’s a Spiral

Healing is not a mountain you climb in a straight line. It’s a mountain you climb in a spiral.

You circle it, switchback after switchback, and every so often you pass a view that looks exactly like one you already stood at months or years ago.

The anger you thought you’d conquered.

The grief you thought you’d already felt all the way through.

The shame you were certain you’d released for good. And there it is again, same ache, different shape, right in your path.

You question it. Haven’t I already dealt with this? Why is this coming up again?

I know how annoying that feels. Healing was never meant to be a convenient, one-and-done experience.

You’re not back at the bottom of the mountain. You’re higher up the same switchback, looking at a familiar view from a new altitude, one that finally lets you see it from a different vantage point. That’s your soul taking you deeper, on purpose, because you’re finally strong enough to go there.

Your pain isn’t only from the years you can remember in this life either. Most of us carry imprints from many lifetimes, woven into our energy field long before this body was born.

Here’s the part most healers, teachers, and coaches will never tell you, because it doesn’t sell as well as a transformation story with a bow on it. Your healing journey has no finish line, and no countdown timer.

It rarely shows up wearing the same face twice.

Grief might first look like sadness in your chest, then next time, sudden exhaustion for no reason.

Shame might first look like overexplaining yourself, then next time, going quiet in a room full of people who love you.

Guilt might first look like overworking to earn your rest, then next time, an uncomfortable denial when someone offers you help.

Resentment might first look like a sharp comment you didn’t mean, then next time, a cold, quiet distance.

Worthiness wounds might first look like chasing achievement, then next time, sabotaging the very thing you worked so hard to build.

Same felt sense, different disguise.

When any of this resurfaces for me now, whatever shape it takes, I don’t judge it. I don’t shove it back down where it came from. I feel it, all the way through, fully and completely.

None of this means you’re doing something wrong, or that the work you’ve done hasn’t shifted something real within you. It means you are a soul in a body, still remembering, still unfolding, one layer at a time.

But if you’re only ever meeting this work with surface-level techniques, positive thinking, a few deep breaths, a quote you screenshot and never revisit, the same lessons will keep showing up, again and again, dressed in slightly different clothes, until you’re finally willing to go to the root.

Our subconscious mind holds roughly 80% of our thoughts, beliefs, and ideas, all of which are buried below what our conscious mind can perceive.

Real healing, the kind that truly lasts, requires you to intentionally go into the depths of your own psyche and soul to find where this it lives. Whether that’s grief, shame, guilt, resentment, or the quiet, constant question of whether you’re worthy at all. And even once you find it, the root runs deep enough that it takes time to pull it all the way out.

Patience and loving kindness toward yourself are the greatest gifts you can give in this process. Shame, guilt, and judgment have no place on this path of awakening.

You Need to Remember This One Thing

Whatever keeps resurfacing for you, grief, shame, guilt, resentment, or that old ache of not being worthy, its return isn’t evidence the work didn’t stick, no matter what your ego tries to convince you. It’s proof you’re a layered, multidimensional soul, and your healing was never destined to be a single event.

Your feelings aren’t only a story you tell; they’re stored beyond the conscious mind. That’s why thinking your way out of it, on its own, was never going to be enough, no matter how many books you read, workshops you attend, or sister circles you sit in.

Every time this comes back around, you meet it from a slightly higher place than the last time. What feels like failure is actually soul growth.

The Junk Drawer Memory

Just last week, I was thinking about my aging father and the relationship we have, or more honestly, the relationship we don’t. I wanted so badly to find one good memory to hold onto. I searched for it the way you search a junk drawer for something you know should be in there but can’t seem to find.

Absolutely nothing came to mind, and I began to cry.

Sobbing, the kind of tears that hit you like a bullet straight to the center of your heart. I recognized that feeling instantly, because it lives quietly in the background of my life, waiting. I’d love to tell you I just got over it years ago. That’s not how any of this really works.

Here’s what was different this time, though. I didn’t shame myself for still feeling it after everythingI’ve done to heal it. I didn’t rush to spiritually bypass it with a lesson or a silver lining. That would have been the old me. I didn’t ask why this is still here, as if the grief owed me an explanation for existing.

I let myself sob. I let it have its full moment without making it mean anything at all.

If your recurring visitor is shame instead of grief, you let yourself feel the heat of it without following it into a story about being a bad person.

If it’s guilt, you notice the tension in your shoulders when you rest, without rushing to fix it.

If it’s resentment, you feel the heat without swallowing it whole or aiming it at the person nearest you.

If it’s worthiness, you sit with the discomfort of receiving something good without doing a thing to earn it first.

Feel it, all the way through, without turning it into evidence against yourself.

I don’t want to carry the pain of my past for the rest of my life. And somewhere underneath all of it, there’s a deep knowing that it will release when the timing is right. Could be a week. Could be a year. Could be a decade. I’m not trying to make a prediction. As long as it’s here, I choose to love and honor myself through it rather than fight it or make myself wrong.

That’s what our soul craves, full self-compassion with no list of requirements attached.

Five Things To Honor Yourself

If something old surfaced in you while reading this, here’s where to start. Not a twelve step ritual, because who has time for that? Just a few simple places to begin, whatever the feeling turns out to be.

1. Name it without the story. The next time something old shows up unexpectedly, whether it’s grief, shame, guilt, resentment, or that sense you’re not enough, name it in one word before your mind builds a whole Dateline drama around it. This is grief. This is shame. This is guilt. Naming it takes back some of its power.

2. Let it be inconvenient. Skip the why is this happening again. Tell yourself instead, this is inconvenient, and it’s allowed to be here anyway. That one sentence removes shame before it takes root, especially if the visitor today is shame itself.

3. Ask your body, not your mind. Your mind will try to explain or argue the feeling away. Skip that conversation. Place a hand on your heart and ask, where does this actually live in me right now? Let your body answer first.

4. Go to the root, not just the story. In meditation, your journal, or your own Akashic practice, ask one question. What is this feeling really protecting, and how far back does it go? You may not get a full answer today. You’re planting a seed of curiosity, not demanding a full-on harvest.

5. Release the finish line. Write this down: this feeling has no countdown timer, and I am allowed to feel it all the way through. Some of what you’re carrying isn’t grief, shame, or guilt itself. It’s the deadline you were quietly putting on your own healing. That’s not embodiment, that’s performance. There’s a difference.

You Are Not Behind. You Are Human

Choose to love yourself as you climb the mountain back home to your True Self. The switchbacks are tough, and the views aren’t always what you had imagined, but that never means you’re going in the wrong direction. Keep the pace, and know that every turn brings a new level of awareness and, hopefully, a little more loving-kindness for yourself along the way.

Your Soul Signal At Work

If something in this had you nodding yes, whether that was grief, shame, guilt, resentment, or the quiet question of your own worthiness, that’s not a coincidence. That’s your own soul signal, asking you to see her.

If you’re not sure exactly how your Higher Self speaks to you, take the Soul Signal Assessment. It takes a few minutes, and it will show you how she naturally communicates with you.

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And if you’re done spiraling through the same feeling alone, Soul & Mind Alchemy was built for exactly this moment.

It’s a 90-day private mentorship moving through four phases: Remembering, Releasing, Returning, and Living, where we go straight into your Akashic Records and your subconscious mind, where eighty percent of your beliefs remain hidden. It’s not another framework to read about and forget by Thursday. This is where you don’t just realize your truth; you embody it. Me, you, and your soul, the whole way through.

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Which one keeps circling back around for you? Grief, shame, guilt, resentment, or worthiness? Tell me in the comments, I read every single one.

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The Part Nobody Warns You About

When you awaken to who you are beneath the false identities, hidden beliefs, and survival strategies, you begin to notice how different you are and how long you’ve been living according to invisible rules that were never actually yours.

Nobody warns you about this part.

They tell you healing will feel like relief. Like coming home. Like finally exhaling after holding your breath for forty-two years. And it is that. Eventually. But at first, it feels like walking into a room you’ve been in a thousand times and suddenly not recognizing a single face.

Here’s what nobody says out loud: you don’t just start feeling like the weirdo. Everyone else starts looking like one too.

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The small talk that used to feel normal now feels like a deafening screeching noise. The complaining you used to join in on now feels like watching people agree to stay asleep together. You go quiet in conversations you used to lead, not because you have less to say, but because you can suddenly see the invisible rules everyone else is still playing by. And you can’t unsee them, or play by them anymore.

That’s the part that makes people think something is wrong with them. It’s not. It’s quite the opposite. You’re waking up to the truth.

The Rules You Never Knew You Were Playing By

For most of your life, you were fluent in a language everyone around you also spoke. Stay small. Keep the peace. Perform the version of yourself that gets approved of. You didn’t question the rules because you didn’t know they were rules. You thought they were just how life worked.

Think about how early it starts. Nobody sits you down and teaches you these rules on purpose. You absorb them the way you absorb a native language, before you’re old enough to know you’re learning one. Smile when you’re uncomfortable. Agree when you disagree. Shrink when someone else has more to say. By the time you’re an adult, you’re not following rules anymore. You become the rules. That’s how invisible they are.

This is why so much advice about setting boundaries or using your voice feels like a lie for so many women. You can’t set a boundary against a rule you don’t know you’re obeying. You can’t use a voice you didn’t know you have trained into silence. The work has to start earlier than that. It has to start with seeing the pattern before you can ever interrupt it.

Here’s what that shift actually looks like in practice.

The old rule said: keep everyone comfortable, even at your own expense.

The new truth says: your comfort matters just as much as everyone else’s.

The old rule said: if you feel it, fix it fast so nobody has to witness you struggling.

The new truth says: some things aren’t meant to be fixed fast, they’re meant to be felt all the way.

The old rule said: silence keeps the peace.

The new truth says: silence was never peace, it was just quiet containment.

Then you start doing the real work. Not the good vibes only kind. The kind where you sit with your own rage. Where you stop calling your look-at-the-bright-side habit spirituality and finally name it what it is: a survival strategy to avoid feeling what felt too unsafe to feel. And somewhere in that process, the rules stop making sense to you. Not because you rejected them on purpose. Because you finally have enough of yourself back to notice they were never true in the first place.

What This Loneliness Is Not

Before I go further, I want to clear up what this feeling actually is, because most women get the diagnosis wrong and then spend months trying to fix the wrong problem.

This is not you becoming cold, distant, or too healed for regular people. That’s a fear, not a fact. This is not proof that you’re ungrateful for the relationships and the life you’ve built. It’s not a sign you need to isolate yourself in the name of protecting your energy, and it’s not a green light to write everyone off as not on your frequency so you never have to sit in the discomfort of being misunderstood.

What it actually is: the natural, temporary gap between the old you disappearing and the new you arriving. I know this feeling of being in between worlds. And this temporary gap can feel like eternity.

You’re not choosing distance because you want to. You’re standing in the space between two versions of yourself, and that space is quiet because it hasn’t filled in with new people, new language, and new experiences yet. Give it time before you decide it’s permanent.

The Moment I Lost the Language

I remember the exact moment I lost it.

I was sitting in a Gene Keys workshop when the teacher asked one simple question. Who are you?

I couldn’t answer it.

Not because I didn’t have an answer ready. Because I realized I had spent forty years answering a completely different question: who do I need to be to stay safe, stay loved, stay useful? Wife. Mother. Business owner. The one who holds it together. The one who doesn’t make noise. I had a perfect answer for all of those. I had nothing for the actual question.

That was the moment the rules I’d been playing by my entire life stopped making sense. I couldn’t unknow it after that. I couldn’t go back to the version of me that had an answer for everyone except herself. I went home from that workshop and sat in my car in the driveway for forty-five minutes before I could walk inside, because I genuinely did not know how to be in my own house as the person I was starting to become, instead of the person everyone was used to.

That’s the part nobody tells you. It’s not just the big relationships that feel different. It’s the small, ordinary moments. Walking into your own kitchen. Sitting with your own family who has known a certain version of you. The one who is reliable, the go-to, the one who has it all together.

Everything around you looks the same, yet nothing feels the same, because you’re the one who changed. Not on the outside but on the inside. And that can make you feel invisible and unrecognizable to the ones you love.

For weeks after that workshop, I found myself watching conversations instead of being fully in them. Someone would complain about something, and the old me would have jumped in and joined the conversation without thinking twice. The new me just sat there, watching the pattern happen, feeling both a little sad and a little relieved that I could finally see it. I wasn’t better than anyone in that moment. I was just awake in a room full of people still asleep, and there is a particular kind of loneliness in that, one nobody prepares you for because nobody talks about it.

I want to be honest about something else too. I didn’t handle it gracefully at first. I overcorrected. I got quiet in places where I used to perform, and then I got defensive in places where silence would have served me better. I tried to explain myself to people who were never going to understand, because I hadn’t yet learned that not everyone needs to understand for it to be true. That took time. It still takes time, some days. And if I am being totally honest, more now in this ever-changing world where many people are in this same in-between space just trying to figure it out.

Why the Loneliness Isn’t the Problem

This is where the loneliness starts to set in. Not because you’ve become unlovable. Because you’re speaking a different language now, and the people around you haven’t learned it yet. Some of them never will. That’s not a judgment on them. It’s just the cost of remembering who you are before everyone else remembers themselves.

I want to name something else, because I think it matters more than the loneliness itself: this isn’t a flaw in the process. It’s the process working. Loneliness isn’t a cue that you’re doing it wrong. It’s a signal that you’re actually living according to your truth. That’s something worth celebrating.

Being the one who breaks the pattern was never going to feel comfortable. Cycle breakers don’t get applause on their way out. They get confusion, distance, sometimes outright resistance, because their growth quietly asks everyone else a question they’re not ready to answer yet.

You’re not the black sheep because something is wrong with you. You’re the black sheep because you stopped agreeing to something that was never actually true.

So if you’ve been feeling like an alien in rooms you used to belong in, I want you to hear this clearly: you are not too much, too far gone, or too different to be loved. You are simply no longer willing to abandon yourself to belong and be understood. That’s not isolation or dissociation. That’s integrity to your authenticity.

How to Move Through This Instead of Just Surviving It

Naming the pattern helps. But you also need something to actually do with it, so this doesn’t just live in your head as a helpful idea. Here’s what has helped me and the women I work with move through this stretch instead of white-knuckling it.

Stop performing certainty you don’t feel. You don’t owe anyone a polished explanation for who you’re becoming. “I’m figuring some things out” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to defend a process that isn’t clear yet.

Let some relationships change shape instead of ending them in your head. Not every person who doesn’t understand this chapter needs to be cut off. Some just need less access for a while. Some need a different kind of conversation. Let it be less dramatic than your ego wants to make it.

Find at least one place where you don’t have to translate yourself. A friend, a community, a practitioner, this Substack, whatever it is. You need somewhere to speak the new language out loud so it doesn’t just stay locked in your journal. Isolation compounds the loneliness. One honest conversation breaks the spell of it. It’s easy to want to drift away alone, but that’s not what your soul truly wants. Even though you’re in an awakening, you still need connection.

Grieve the rooms, not just the people. Sometimes what you’re mourning isn’t a specific relationship. It’s the ease of belonging without effort. That’s a real loss. Let yourself feel it instead of rushing through it to prove you’re fine. There is also an unnamed grief that comes when you are waking up to the truth that you’ve been living someone else’s lie. This wake-up call asks you to leave behind old habits, ideas about life, and automatic tendencies, to make space for what is real and honest for you.

Keep going even when nobody claps. This one is the hardest and the most important. The absence of applause is never evidence that you’re doing it wrong. It’s proof that you’re doing something most people around you have never done. The truth is most people won’t see what’s taking place inside of you and the healing you’ve been doing. Stay the course. Your soul would never give you what you couldn’t handle. And always remember that you are never alone when the Divine light is present.

Give yourself a timeline of grace, not a deadline. You are allowed to feel disoriented for longer than what feels convenient. Healing doesn’t operate according to a calendar that matches everyone else’s patience for your process. This includes your own ego. Check it at the door, and let it know who is in charge.

None of these practices are about forcing connection or forcing yourself back into spaces and places that no longer fit. They’re about staying gracious toward yourself while you rebuild an identity that feels the most like you. You don’t have to rush the process to prove your awakening was worth it.

You’re Not as Alone in This as It Feels

The invisible rules don’t disappear because you see them. But you stop being ruled by them the second you recognize the patterns. And the loneliness doesn’t last forever either. Because somewhere on the other side of this, there are people who are also done pretending. You just haven’t met most of them yet. Time, grace, and patience will bring you to the people and the community who get you. There are more people like you, than you know. Trust in that and be open to connecting in new ways.

This loneliness you feel is a temporary part of the process of growth and awakening. I love to believe that with every contraction comes a big expansion. Your expansion is coming!

Has this been part of your journey? The moment you started feeling like the outsider in your own life? I’d love to hear where you are in it.

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If you’re ready to stop performing the version of yourself everyone else approved of and come home to who you actually are, the Soul Signal Assessment is a good place to start. It’s free, and it takes ten minutes: www.nikkiheals.com/free-quiz

All my Love, Nikki K 🩷♾️

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Another great article on the loneliness you experience on your awakening journey 👇

Every month I channel the Akashic Records and Divine Council of Light and sit with the energy of what’s coming and allow it to move through me. July came in hot, literally. What came through was fire, urgency, and a fierce invitation to take action on what you’ve been quietly building. But underneath that fire is a softer message: don’t forget how to play.

This month I felt called to release the full transmission to all of you, including my free subscribers. There was something about this message that needed to reach everyone and not sit behind a paywall.

So if you’ve been curious about what these monthly transmissions are, consider this your invitation in.

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Get present and let it move through you in the best possible way. This isn’t just a reading; it’s medicine for your soul.

And if this resonates and you want these transmissions every month, the full message, the medicine, and the soul discovery questions, paid subscribers receive this experience monthly. I’d love to have you in that space; come join us.

The Energy of July

Fire. Fire. Fire. That is what came through the moment I entered the Records this month. Like the hot summer air. Like the sun overhead with nowhere to hide from it.

There is a fire building inside you for what feels like years. It is intense, and it is ready to move. You are finally prepared to take action on the inspirations that have been quietly percolating within you, the ones you’ve kept a secret and haven’t said out loud yet.

This month may bring a sense of urgency. Honor it, but be discerning about where it’s coming from. Take action from a place of groundedness rooted in your truth, not from fear disguised as momentum. Your heart already knows the way. Tend to your inner garden as you move through the month.

Gathering & Sacred Boundaries

July is a social month. You will find yourself in groups, with friends, family and community. There is genuine connection here, and it is good for you and your soul. But give yourself space when needed. Don’t try to push yourself past your limit for the fear of missing out.

Your energy is high this month, and it’s easily compromised when you overextend yourself. Don’t be afraid to say no to an invitation. Tune in daily to what your body, mind, and soul actually need in the moment, rather than what feels obligatory.

Balance the doing with the non-doing, especially when it comes to your dreams and visions. There is no need to rush ahead. Timing has always been on your side. Trust that.

Trusting What’s Coming Online

Your intuition is coming online more and more this month as you follow the breadcrumbs and the inner whispers of your soul. Honor yourself by listening and trusting what you’re hearing, seeing and experiencing. It’s real and wants to be acknowledged.

The more you trust, the more you are able to let go. Let go of the need to force life into a shape you’ve decided it should take. Let life move you in a way that feels good instead.

Fairy & Elemental Medicine

The medicine for July comes from the elementals and the fairies. They made their presence known clearly this month, and they questioned immediately: why so serious?

The message they have is that pleasure and play are your birthright, and July is inviting you to remember that. Your determination to make things happen, while powerful, can cut you off from your own light if you let it run unchecked. The fairies are asking you to embrace your childlike nature again. She’s there waiting for you to play!

If you’re not sure how to begin, spend time in nature, or with children and animals, with no agenda attached. Just presence in the now. Let your body lead and listen to what it’s telling you. Be mindful of burnout this month; the fire that fuels you can just as easily exhaust you if there’s no room left for playfulness. So dance, swim, play a game. Let your inner child take control and guide you.

A New Relationship With Yourself

You are stepping into a new reality this month, one that looks and feels different from what you’re used to. That shift will become especially apparent in your relationship with yourself: what you will and will no longer tolerate, from your own mind and from the actions of others.

Be mindful of any judgments you’ve been holding onto, toward yourself or others. You’re being asked to release those judgments to make room for more love, compassion, and acceptance of things as they are. This space you’re creating is allowing you to be inspired with new ideas and inspirations that bring you closer to your Higher Self.

Earth & Water as Your Ground

Let the earth ground your fiery ambitions this month. There is no need to get too far ahead of yourself. Water and earth are here to balance your energy. Don’t be afraid to use them to ground you.

Go for a swim. Put your hands in the dirt. Speak to the plants and trees around you. The connection is real, and it’s worth exploring. When you feel off energetically, check in with your senses and notice what they’re asking of you. Tend to your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies daily.

Closing

You are on fire this month, in the best possible way. Let that fire move you toward what’s true, not what’s urgent. Let yourself play as much as you let yourself produce. The earth and water are here to hold you steady. Trust the timing. Trust the breadcrumbs. Trust yourself.

I love you. I see you. Keep going. You’ve got this.

The Themes of July

Fire & Action: A long-building fire is ready to move you; channel it from truth, not urgency.

Sacred Boundaries: Connection is good, but protect your energy. Saying no is allowed and necessary. Balance is key to your peace.

Trust & Surrender: The more you trust your intuition, the less you need to force outcomes.

Playfulness: Pleasure and play are your birthright; don’t let ambition overshadow your light. Think of the fairies, their lightness and silliness.

Self-Respect: A new awareness is emerging around what you will and won’t tolerate. Either from self or from others.

Elemental Grounding: Earth and water balance fire; use nature to stay steady and rooted into the now.

Soul Discovery Questions

Take these into your journal, your morning practice, or simply sit with them in stillness. No need to rush a response. Wise reflection comes from presence and honesty.

1. Where in your life have you been taking action from urgency or fear rather than truth and groundedness, and what would it feel like to slow down just enough to check?

2. What invitation, obligation, or expectation are you ready to say no to this month in order to protect your energy?

3. When was the last time you played without an agenda, and what is one small way you can invite more childlike pleasure into your days this month?

4. What judgment have you been holding onto, toward yourself or someone else, that is ready to be released to make room for more love and acceptance?

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If something in this message left you nodding yes, I wanna know what it was.

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Your intuition is coming online this month. Want to know what your soul is trying to tell you without having to guess?

I created the Soul Signal Assessment, a free quiz to help you identify how your intuition speaks to you and what might be blocking you from hearing it clearly, with a fun twist. Find out what Spirit animal medicine you carry.

If July has you feeling the pull but you’re not sure what it’s pointing you toward, this is a great place to start.

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Each month, I channel the Akashic Records to see what’s coming and allow the energy to move through me. The Akashic Records transmission for June came in differently than any other month. Darker, deeper, and more mystical. What came through felt less like a forecast and more like an invitation to stop running from the parts of yourself that are ready to be seen, honored, and finally released.

I was taken through a beaded curtain into a candlelit room where a mystical healer was waiting. Black crows appeared. The number sequence 62-0-26 came through immediately. Some of the medicine for the month of June includes death, rebirth, and soul embodiment.

If you have been feeling the weight of what is ready to leave your life, this message was written for you. This month’s message includes a spirit animal guide, the medicine it carries, and how to work with it. Read slowly and let it move through you. Not just within the mind but within every cell of your existence.

This channeled message is exclusive for paid subscribers because the transmission is sacred and deserves its own space.

Wanna know what it is? Become a paid subscriber and receive my Akashic Record Transmissions each month, filled with clarity, guidance, and medicine. Also included are 4 Soul Discovery questions that take you deeper into how you can work with the energy of the month and use the medicine for your soul growth.

Let’s get into it.

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Choosing the path of awakening seems to have an attraction to it when you’re at the very beginning.

It’s a whole world of adventure that hasn’t been seen or experienced. There’s an underlying excitement about the treasures that can be found.

I remember when I first began my journey a decade ago, which began with a psychic reading from a young woman who later became my business mentor. There was a sense of awe and wonder as I walked this journey, saying yes to everything I found interesting, magical, and mystical.

I started to attend intimate circles on manifesting, abundance, and optimal health. I joined psychic workshops that taught me how to use pendulums. Then, a whole series on Tarot as a divination tool. Then it was numerology as a life path guide. I said yes to becoming Reiki certified, which was kind of a shock, considering I always poo-pooed the practice. But when I first felt the energy, I couldn’t deny it was real. It activated something powerful within me that I had never felt before.

I signed up for and completed my yoga teacher training with no clear plan for where it was going. I studied intuitive development and the Akashic Records and became a professional guide for others. None of these things were ever on my bucket list. I let my curiosity guide me to the next thing. It’s funny how when we allow ourselves to be in awe, things just magically show up.

But the one thing about this journey that stands out the most is the inner pull that no one talks about. That force rearranges the way you view life. It takes you to the depth of your soul and into places that have never been visited. It brings buried emotions to the surface that have been anchored deep in the darkness where no one can see. These feelings come up to be seen, felt, and experienced.

The spiritual journey of self-discovery can be a very lonely one.

The initial excitement can fade and turn into unprocessed rage. The wonderment suddenly turns into grief. These feelings can be raw and intense once they are revealed.

Eight years ago, I was struggling in my marriage to my high school sweetheart. In my awakening, I was becoming someone I wasn’t before. I was opening up to my truth. I was questioning how I was living my life and what its meaning and purpose were — not the meaning assigned to me by survival, but the meaning I was placing on my own life.

My husband was changing too. We were discovering who we were individually outside of our union, which wasn’t easy after 25 years together. I discovered a bottled-up rage and resentment I had been quietly carrying for 15 years. He wanted more of me and I was pulling back, because I didn’t truly know who I was. I was meeting myself for the first time. I was remembering who I was before I buried myself in coping mechanisms and survival strategies.

It was a difficult and transformative time. I was carrying incredible pain and having a hard time releasing what was ingrained into my physical, mental, emotional, and energetic bodies. Learning to show all parts of me was the exact connection he desperately wanted but couldn’t explain with words. I became more open, and he felt more loved. The rage became acceptance. The grief became forgiveness. The relationship became a lesson in love.

Not enough people in spiritual spaces are talking about this.

We stay safe by staying silent. Sharing that I just punched my steering wheel ten times in a fit of rage and cried a rainstorm of tears for an hour in the car isn’t something we hop onto social media and share with pride. We feel shame and guilt for what we label as negative emotions. So we conceal the tears, put on a happy face, and parade around as if everything is love and light and high vibe.

I know what it’s like to hide with embarrassment. I know what it’s like to cry a waterfall of tears in a ceremony and still feel shame, even after doing all the inner work. The question becomes: why am I still here doing this? Why does this silent ache still feel like a two-ton Mack truck sitting heavy on my heart?

Here’s what I know to be true: we aren’t meant to walk this path alone. But it’s our ambition and pride that keep us separated from those who can witness us with loving compassion.

Messy is the new normal. Not the kind of messy that is destructive or irresponsible, but the kind that feels like you’re falling to pieces to make room for the parts that belong.

Quiet containment is dangerous. We weren’t meant to hold it all together in silence.

Our biggest ally on this path is loving, compassionate witnessing, not just from our Guides or Higher Self, but from another person who can help carry the load. Who can look at you and say, I see you. I know this has been hard.

Maybe you’re like me, an observer by nature, someone who likes to be in their own energy. Independent and doesn’t need anyone. I get it. That self-sufficiency has taken you places. But what if you let someone peek inside, not the edited I am doing great version, but the t-shirt soaked with tears, I wanna rage-scream and punch the steering wheel version? Then they could see all of you. Authentically open and ready to receive love and support.

My psychic mentor once told me that using our voice to express ourselves openly allows energy to move more quickly than staying silent. There is an alchemizing power in speaking your truth. Think about it, have you ever been really upset, trying hard to process internally, and the moment you tell someone what’s going on, you feel instant relief? Like a load of bricks just lifted? That’s not a coincidence. Our pain isn’t meant to sit within the body and psyche alone. That is how wounds become deeper and more hidden.

Safety in being visible is something I have really worked on. I used to bite my tongue, hold back my truth, and filter what I thought people wanted to hear. My body won’t let me do that any longer. The loss of my voice, the rigidity in my body, and the long-held silence no longer dictate my choices or feed my fear of being seen.

If you’ve sat in community with me, you know I’m usually the first one to cry. And I no longer apologize for it. I think tears are a symbol of strength and resilience; it’s the willingness to be fully witnessed. That, to me, is courageous.

You don’t have to show up to your next workshop with a box of white fluffy tissues ready to let it all go. But you might say a sentence or two about what’s truly happening in your inner world. When someone asks how you’re doing, the automatic I’m good slowly becomes honestly, it’s been hard. Not because you’re spilling everything, but because you’re courageously letting people in.

You never know who shares the same experience of loneliness, rage, grief, confusion, all the things that come from exploring your spiritual soul self.

One Honest Moment

Loneliness does not originate from the journey itself. It comes from hiding. When you withhold your truth, you are not protecting yourself; you are guaranteeing the exact disconnection you’re trying to avoid. You can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. That is a choice.

You can’t fully heal in isolation. Full, embodied healing requires trust, and learning to trust that you don’t have to do this alone is one of the most liberating things you can do for yourself.

Your journal isn’t the only witness available to you. There are people who would love to sit with you and hear the inner workings of your heart, mind, and soul. Recognize who is safe and practice being open. And don’t worry about being a complainer, it’s not just about the struggle. Practice sharing the joys, too.

One real conversation, one moment where you let someone fully see the unedited you, can break the spell of isolation. It always starts with one small act of loving kindness toward yourself.

Your energy and insights are a gift. Don’t withhold them from the world. Don’t be afraid to be unapologetically you.

That’s what the world needs most right now.

All my love, Nikki K 🩷♾️

Learning to trust your intuition? Take the Soul Signal Assessment and find out how your intuition communicates to you as well as the Spirit animal medicine you carry. Take a few minutes to discover your Soul Signal.

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If you’ve been on a spiritual journey and are tired of living in isolation, I invite you to book a discovery call to explore how working together can help support you on your path back home to your Higher Self.

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This week, I want to clear something up, because there is so much noise out there about what the Higher Self is, what she looks like, and how to find her. And most of it is keeping you further from her, not closer.

If you want to connect with your soul and live as your Higher Self.

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Your Higher Self isn’t floating above you in some ethereal realm waiting for you to get your life together. She doesn’t make special appearances once you’ve done enough therapy or finally found yourself.

She is you. Right now.

She’s underneath everything you learned to become through years of programming and conditioning. You haven’t lost her. You don’t need to search for her. What actually happened is far more human than that, you were taught that it wasn’t safe to be her. So you quieted her and became who the world needed you to be instead.

There’s no shame in that. It was a protection mechanism. It kept you from the pain of being fully seen.

But it also kept you from you.

What She Is Not

Let’s start with what your Higher Self is not, because the misconceptions are what keep so many people stuck in a loop of searching and seeking for something out in the world that has been inside them all along.

She is not a future version of you.

This one is so important. So many people are living in an invisible waiting room, waiting until they’ve healed enough, done enough inner work, cleared enough trauma. As if their Higher Self is some upgraded version standing at the finish line, waiting to finally meet them.

There is no finish line. She is here with you now.

She is not a reward.

She’s not something you earn through meditation or years of therapy. She doesn’t show up once you’ve gotten your anxiety under control, figured out your life purpose, or stopped people-pleasing.

That’s not how this works.

The belief that you have to fix yourself first before you can become your true, authentic Self is one of the biggest lies keeping you disconnected from her. I would love to see it erased and rewritten to the truth.

She is not perfect.

Embodying your true self doesn’t require you to have it all figured out. She isn’t always calm, certain, or composed. She accepts the messiness of being human. She embraces the polarity of life. The joy and the grief, the clarity and the confusion. In fact, she chose all of it before you even arrived in this earthly realm.

She is here to guide you through it. Not to avoid it.

She is not somewhere out in the ethers.

She is not in a past life. She doesn’t live out in the cosmos somewhere. Although it sometimes feels like that. She is not waiting for your next ceremony or your next breakthrough to finally show up and inspire you.

She is here. She has always been here.

She is your soul. Your light. Your truth.

Right underneath the version of you that learned to shrink, to perform, to manage other people’s emotions, and carefully control how you were perceived.

She is in your dreams. She is in your desires. She was with you even in the darkest of your dark days. She never left.

What if you stopped looking for her out there, in the quest for more answers, more knowledge, more healing, and turned inward, where she has been patiently waiting all along?

How would your life change?

What She Is

I remember the first time I met her.

I was deep in my awakening. Meditating daily, doing the work, and learning to connect with my Guides. In those quiet moments, I kept seeing the same figure, angelic, luminous, in a white gown with light emanating from every edge of her. Long blonde hair, just like mine. I asked for her name for months. Nothing clear ever came.

Then one afternoon I was lying in the grass on a sunny summer day, sky gazing. Just me and the sky and the stillness. I could see hundreds of wispies floating just in front of me, shimmering and dancing just within reach. I asked again, the way you ask when you’ve stopped forcing and started trusting.

Who are you?

I heard a voice, Your Higher Self.

Then something in me became completely still.

The guide I had been reaching for. The one I kept trying to name, trying to find, trying to understand, was me. She had been me the whole time.

That’s the thing nobody tells you. You’re not looking for some ethereal being, you’re remembering yourself. Your True Self. Your Divine Essence.

Your Higher Self is your soul. Your light. Your truth. She is your God Self, the Divine part of you that arrived here whole and has never stopped being whole, no matter what happened to you along the way. She carries your medicine and your purpose. She is connected to your heart. She is unconditional love in its purest form.

And she is the greatest ally you will ever have.

But she has become a stranger to most people. Not because she left, she never leaves, but because we live in a world that trained us to look for our truth out there. In another book. Another expert. Another course. Another opinion. We outsource our knowing before we ever think to look within. And after enough years of that, we forget that our inner source is even an option. It’s funny how us humans live sometimes.

She is invisible to the thinking mind. But she can always be found in joy and pleasure. In the moments you feel most alive, most free, most unapologetically yourself.

That’s not a coincidence that’s her in action.

I wasn’t always consciously connected to her. But looking back, she was with me through everything. Through the childhood trauma I had no language for yet. Through the pain that should have broken me. She was the reason I could feel empathy even for the people who hurt me most. She was the lens of love I somehow kept looking through, even when everything around me was dark.

Our life force gets dimmed through programming and conditioning. But it never gets extinguished.

She is still in there. She has always been in there.

And she is waiting, not impatiently, not with judgment, but with the kind of love that doesn’t fade, for you to connect with her.

Why We Lose Touch

Time for real talk about why so many people feel disconnected.

We have been taught for hundreds of years to find our truth out in the world. In another book. Another expert. Another opinion. We outsource our power and our knowing before we ever think to look within. Doom scrolling social media and constant noise. We have become so disconnected from our inner worlds that we have stopped trusting that they even exist.

We let the thinking mind run the show instead of our intuition.

The thinking mind is a brilliant tool when used in the right context. But it was never meant to dictate your life’s outcomes. It was never meant to be the one making every decision, building every plan, managing every emotion.

That’s the job of your soul and Higher Self.

The disconnection shows up as doubt, uncertainty, and often confusion. It’s that chronic feeling of being stuck, no matter what you’ve tried. The overwhelm of consuming more and more information, and still not feeling any clearer on your life path. The lack of fulfillment that rumbles underneath even the good days, quiet, persistent, impossible to shake.

It’s definitely not a character flaw. The disconnection is what happens when you’ve been living from the conditioned mind instead of the soul. We’ve all been there.

Our life force gets dimmed through programming. But the light never goes out completely. Unless you’re a complete psycho. That’s a whole different article.

She is still there. She has always been there. Waiting for you to remember that you already know the way home.

How She Speaks

This is where it gets personal, because people can have a different experience when connecting with their Higher Self.

She is not loud and she certainly is not dramatic. She will never speak through fear, urgency, or panic. That’s the conditioned mind trying to convince and keep you safe through control.

She is subtle. Soft. Loving. Patient. She’s like a warm, heavy, weighted blanket that makes you feel safe and grounded.

She speaks through sudden realizations that arrive out of nowhere. Like a drop of clarity, you didn’t manufacture through the thinking brain. Like those sudden revelations that seem to come from nowhere. That’s not your imagination, that’s her.

She speaks through your dreams, your desires, the things that light you up, even when nothing else does. She speaks through synchronicities, signs, and symbols that show up just in time.

She speaks through full-body chills that move through you when something is true. An internal surge of energy when you’re on the right path. The tightness in your chest when something is wrong, even when you can’t explain why yet.

Fear contracts. Your Higher Self expands. You feel truth physically before it ever reaches the mind.

Learn that distinction, and you will always know who is chiming in.

She is who you are when you are fully present inside your own body. She’s not managing, not performing, not protecting, just allowing you to be you.

How to Connect

Here’s what I want you to know before we talk about living embodied as her.

Nobody handed me a certificate before she showed up. There was no finish line I crossed, no healing milestone I finally hit. She didn’t wait until I had the right practice or the cleanest altar or the most consistent meditation streak.

She didn’t live behind a locked door that required a secret code to open. She’s been with me all along. The moment I got quiet enough, I knew I could stop looking everywhere else.

Get still.

Silence is not your enemy. It’s your ally. Be still and listen to your heartbeat. Hear how your breath moves through the body. Feel your feet on the floor as if you’re grounded into the Mother Earth. Feel the weight of your own presence. Let your thoughts move through like clouds passing, don’t chase them, don’t argue with them, just let them go and keep coming back to the body.

Your Higher Self lives underneath the noise. Not inside it.

Most of us are so addicted to the hustle of life that stillness feels uncomfortable at first. That discomfort isn’t a sign that you’re doing it wrong. It’s the nervous system learning that it’s finally safe to slow down.

Stay with it and see what comes through in a small and subtle way.

Go outside.

Nature is one of the fastest portals back to yourself. The birds are singing. The sun on your skin. The sound of water moving. These things aren’t just beautiful; they activate something ancient within you. They remind your nervous system what it feels like to be present without the need to perform or produce a result.

And presence is exactly where she lives.

Go outside without your phone. Without a podcast. Without an agenda. Just be in it. Let the natural world remind your body what it already knows.

Create something.

Write. Dance. Sing. Cook. Paint. Move your body in a way that has absolutely nothing to do with productivity, output, or concern with how silly you look.

Creativity is one of the most direct portals to your soul. When you create from inner inspiration rather than outer obligation, that’s her moving through you. You’ll feel the difference. One feels like effort. The other feels like a big exhale that’s been held for a lifetime.

Try automatic writing.

This is one of my personal favorites and one of the most powerful tools I return to again and again. Sit down, put pen to paper, and write without thinking. Don’t edit or filter your words. Don’t stop to reread what you’ve written. Just let whatever wants to come through, come through.

You will feel the difference between your conditioned mind writing and your soul writing. One feels restrictive and managed. The other feels like something opening and expanding.

That opening? That’s her.

Learn how she speaks to you specifically.

She communicates through sudden knowing, through dreams, through synchronicities, and signs and symbols. She speaks through emotion. Through joy and pleasure and pain.

And she speaks through that quiet inner whisper that plays on repeat, no matter how many times you try to dismiss it or logic your way past it.

That whisper isn’t anxiety or wishful thinking. That’s her trying to get your attention.

Fear contracts. Your Higher Self expands. The conditioned mind is loud, urgent, and fear-driven. She is soft, loving, and patient. She will never push you. She will never shame you. She will never speak to you in the language of fear.

She is who you are when you are fully present inside your own body.

She is who you have always been.

You Were Never Lost

She has never stopped calling you home.

That restlessness you feel? That’s her.

That quiet knowing you keep overriding with logic? Also her.

That moment when everything gets still, and you feel, just for a second, completely, unapologetically yourself?

Guess what? That’s her, too.

It’s important to know that you were never broken or lost. You were just living in a world that taught you to look everywhere but within. And you did what any smart, capable, resilient person does: you adapted and survived. You built a life using the tools you were given.

But the adaptations, survival mechanisms, and tools were temporary and were never yours to keep.

And she has been waiting, patiently, lovingly, without judgment, for you to remember that.

This is the actual work. To remember you’re never fixing yourself. You’re not trying to become someone brand new.

You’re on a journey to remembering who you already are. And your Higher Self is with you every breath you take, cheering you on with loving kindness.

Ready to hear her more clearly?

I created the Soul Signal Assessment to help you understand exactly how your Higher Self is speaking to you, and why you might be missing it.

It takes just a few minutes. And what comes back is a mirror to how your intuition and Higher Self communicate to you with a fun twist. Discover the spirit animal medicine you carry.

👉Take the Soul Signal Assessment

And if you feel a nudge to go deeper. To get to know your Higher Self with clarity and confidence, then maybe this is your sign to take the next step to becoming her.

If you’re ready to stop searching and start remembering, I’d love to connect. Book a discovery call and let’s talk about what’s possible when you finally stop living from the conditioned mind and start leading from the soul.

👉Book A Discover Call with Nikki

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There’s a big revolution happening around authenticity. Everyone seems to be talking about it. You’re like…. yes please! I don’t want another AI robot handing me a stack of advice generated by some weird, invisible code. You want real. The truth. Behind the scenes of a messy life. Something you can see yourself in.

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We are all craving authenticity. Which flips the mirror back on us, leaving us questioning whether we are showing up as real or in a practiced performance.

I spent the majority of my 48 years on this earth performing perfection. And if you know, you know, it’s quite exhausting.

I once hired a pony and farm animals for my daughter’s 8th birthday because I needed it to be perfect. The day came with a cloud-covered sky, wind gusts, and 45-degree temps, which kept just about everyone inside for the action. Even the birthday girl. Nobody wanted this. And honestly? Neither did I. That was just one moment in a lifetime of overriding my own truth to maintain an image I thought I was supposed to have.

Being moldable was my superpower. I was agreeable and detail-oriented. Willing to set the scene for perfection for every situation. In hindsight, my greatest strength was my biggest downfall.

Questions like is this what I actually want? Is this true for me? never entered my mind. The image of perfection was always the priority, even if that meant leaving peace behind.

I lost myself in the performance of parenting, health, business, and friendships. Drowning in expectations I had placed entirely on myself. My truth had been buried so deep under the persona I had built that I forgot it was there.

What if the problem with authenticity isn’t that you haven’t found yourself yet, it’s that you’ve been searching in all the wrong places? The beautiful image of a privileged and abundant life that seems to fall in place but is cracking at the seams.

That breaking open is our soul’s way to return us to our truth. The real honest truth. Not the one we perform in public, but the deepest desire that is asleep within us.

Performance Is Never the Problem. It Is the Protection.

You don’t drift 1,000,000 miles from yourself because you’re shallow or weak.

It happens through small, quiet, everyday decisions that our subconscious has categorized as safe. The nervous system made a decision, long before your conscious mind could catch it, that being real meant being unsafe. That speaking and living your truth was dangerous. So you hide behind the performance of life and convince yourself that it’s real.

This is a survival mechanism, and it plays on repeat until you wake up one day, burnt out, exhausted, and lost at sea with no rescue boat in sight.

Here’s the kicker. You cannot logic your way out of a nervous system response. It might make complete sense intellectually, but if the body isn’t on board, authenticity is hard to access. No one has ever willed their way to the truth. It originates in the body, not the mind.

Trauma researcher and psychiatrist Bessel Van der Kolk, author of the best-selling book The Body Keeps the Score, spent decades proving this. The body stores what the mind cannot process. When something overwhelming happens, and it doesn’t have to be dramatic, it can be years of chronic emotional detachment; the brain’s thinking center shuts down. The experience doesn’t get filed away as a memory. It gets stored as sensation, tension, reaction, and pattern.

This is why you can know something intellectually and still not feel it change. You can understand in therapy why you people-please, yet do it anyway. Your mind can say you’re safe, yet the body still braces. You can want to be authentic yet still feel like you have to perform.

The habits and patterns live in the body. And the body doesn’t speak in logic. It speaks through sensations that we often ignore.

Van der Kolk’s research showed that trauma and chronic emotional suppression change our brain chemistry. The body literally loses the ability to make sense of what it’s carrying. Feeling it is the path back to wholeness.

Your truth literally lives in your organs, fascia, cells, and musculoskeletal system.

The signals that have been dismissed as anxiety, overthinking, fatigue, or tension in the neck or head aren’t just annoyances, it’s information. By stopping long enough to tune in, you’ll hear exactly what the body is trying to say. Somewhere in it, you’ll see that your alignment is off.

Living authentically isn’t just another trend; it’s a response to a deep connection with one’s inner world.

Why We Crave Authenticity Right Now

We are living in the most performative era in human history.

Thanks to TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, and any other social media site that relies on quick dopamine hits. Then AI arrives on the scene. Generating pictures, articles, videos, and even personalities that people are having relationships with. If that isn’t a total ick, then I don’t know what is.

Everything we consume online has been filtered, optimized, and manipulated to trigger a response. And your body registers it all as a low-grade threat. A quiet hum that something isn’t right.

We are craving realness more than someone in a loud room filled with rambunctious kids craves silence. We are desperate for honesty, realness, and rawness. Because we are exhausted from the noise that never becomes quiet enough for us to breathe.

When you perform your own life on top of consuming everyone else’s manufactured version of theirs, the disconnection becomes unbearable. This disconnection is never with something outside of you; you carry it everywhere you go.

What Authenticity Really Is

Most people think of authenticity as knowing who you are. Naming your values. Telling it like it is. Showing up “real” on social media.

That’s all cognitive. That’s the mind’s version.

True authenticity is a somatic state. It’s the embodiment of what is real for YOU. It lives in the body as a felt sense of alignment, peace, calm, and expansion. Where what you think, feel, say, and do all point in the same direction without effort, editing, or shrinking to be more palatable. The gap between what you think and say is management, and most of us have gotten really good at it.

You know you’re being authentic when:

• Words come out before you’ve rehearsed them

• You stop monitoring how you’re being received

• Your body feels loose rather than braced

• There’s no gap between the feeling and the expression of it

• You stop explaining yourself

You know you’re not when:

• You feel slightly exhausted after socializing even with people you love

• You over-explain or apologize repeatedly

• You edit what you are going to say mid-sentence

• You feel relief when plans cancel

• You’re saying spiritual things you don’t quite believe yet

The Path From Knowing To Embodying

This is a process, not a one-and-done. Here’s what it looks like:

1. Noticing before changing. The first step isn’t to stop performing. It’s to catch the performance while it’s happening. Noticing yourself mid-edit, mid-shrink, mid-swallowed thought.

Researchers call this interoception, the ability to feel what’s happening inside your body in real time.

2. Feel the feeling without fixing it. This is where most women stop. They notice the discomfort and immediately try to explain it, fix it, or spiritually bypass it.

The path through is simply to feel it. To let the body have the experience it’s been suppressing long enough to learn one thing, that the feeling is survivable and safe. That’s what actually rewires the pattern. Not understanding it, but living it.

3. Small moments of realness. You don’t go from performative to fully authentic overnight. I wish that were the case. The honest-to-goodness truth is that what works is small, consistent choices. Saying the truth when you want to bite your tongue, letting someone see you’re doubtful or unsure, sitting with a feeling instead of managing it.

Each time you do this, and nothing terrible happens, your nervous system rewires. Slowly and steadily, the body starts to learn that being real doesn’t require a bodyguard.

4. The body leads, the identity follows. You won’t decide to be authentic and then feel it. It happens the other way around. You’ll have one real moment, and something in you will recognize it as honesty.

You won’t need to figure it out after that. You’ll have felt it. And the body always moves toward what feels like home.

Eventually, authenticity stops being something you practice.

It just becomes where you live.

Do This Next

One of the most important aspects of living authentically is recognizing your own inner truth. Your intuition. Knowing how your intuition speaks to you is a great place to start. I created the Soul Signal Assessment for this exact reason.

In just a few minutes, it will show you where your intuition is strongest and introduce you to the wisdom of your spirit animal guide. The part of you that has been trying to get your attention.

👉 Take The Soul Signal Assessment

If you are ready to go deeper and do the work of coming home to your True Self, I’d love to meet you in a discovery call. We’ll talk about where you are, what you’re carrying, and what’s possible when you stop performing and start feeling, and discuss whether my private mentorship Soul & Mind Alchemy is the right fit for you.

👉 Book A Discovery Call

The performance has kept you safe. Your truth will set you free.

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I had a full morning mapped out, the kind of agenda that makes you feel productive just looking at it. And then I got the notification that my mentor, Carolina’s embodiment class was starting, and the topic was rigidity, specifically, what happens when we take life too seriously, and something within me did this quiet little thing, like a hand reaching out and tugging at my sleeve.

So I ditched my calendar for the hour and joined the call.

What I didn’t know in that moment was that I was about to get an answer to a question I had been asking for an entire year. The kind of answer that is like a key turning a lock you forgot you were carrying.

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The Year I Lost My Voice

Last May, I lost my voice.

Not metaphorically. Literally. Out of nowhere, or so I thought, my voice started giving out. Strained, forced, painful. Every sound that came out of my mouth felt like a sacrifice of my pride and strength.

I went to my ENT and was diagnosed with Muscle Tension Dysphonia. The prescription was speech therapy. Six sessions. By the fourth one, I already knew, the way you know things in your body before your brain creates reason, that this wasn’t it. This wasn’t the fix.

So I went looking, seeking, and searching everywhere, just as I do. I’ve always prided myself on being a master problem solver, until I saw what that cost me.

I did energy clearings with my psychic mentor and truly felt its warmth. I started myofascial release. I did past life regressions. I did subconscious rewiring work around visibility and safety. I tapped. I journaled. I forgave myself for all the times I stayed small when I should have spoken up. I hummed, or tried to. Even that was painful.

Every single attempt came wrapped in the same quiet hope: maybe this is the one. Maybe this is finally the fix.

And every single time, nothing changed.

What people don’t tell you about losing something as precious and needed as your voice is what it does to your mind. You don’t understand it until you’re inside it. It’s a constant, inescapable reminder that something is wrong and you don’t know how to make it right. I started avoiding conversations. Pulling back from family, from friends, from the version of my life that required me to show up and speak. I told myself I was protecting my energy. Which wasn’t true, I was hiding in it.

There was shame. So much damn shame. The type that will quietly rearrange your life so you’re never in a situation where the broken thing has to be visible. I was that broken thing.

The Answer I Wasn’t Ready to See

And then this morning, on the embodiment session, I almost skipped, my teacher said something that felt entirely true in my whole body.

She said that living in a state of seriousness creates rigidity. Not just in your thinking but in your actual body. I felt the truth resonate deep, not just in my mind, but within my whole being.

Here’s what I’ve learned about myself, the thing I was not ready to see until I was, I have been braced for a very long time. My body’s default setting is tight, controlled, focused, and determined.

As children, we learn that seriousness is the thing that keeps us safe and out of trouble. As an adult, you get things done. You don’t take up too much space. You don’t give yourself permission to be irresponsible, silly, or loose. You hold it together. That was the program we’ve been conditioned on, even if nobody said it out loud.

And I followed that instruction so faithfully that somewhere along the way, the bracing just became me. It became my default way of being without even recognizing it.

What was shared in that session broke something open. A realization that came at just the right time. A braced body cannot receive. It cannot receive rest, or creativity, or abundance, or inspiration. It cannot receive softness. It is essentially a closed sign hung on the door of your soul. And the body, which is so much smarter than we give it credit for, will find a way to tell you. It will tell you in the language of symptoms, pain, and loss, until you finally stop looking outside yourself for the answer and turn around to face what’s right in front of you.

My voice didn’t disappear because of a speech pattern problem. It disappeared because my whole life was a speech pattern problem. Every swallowed word, every moment I contracted instead of expanded when I had something to say, every time I chose control over ease, it all went somewhere. The body keeps the score. It kept mine, faithfully, until I was ready to look at the scoreboard and realize, well, damn, I am losing.

The Belief Hidden Underneath It All

Here’s what’s really twisted about the belief underneath all of this: if I relax, if I let myself be playful or joyful or loose, then I am being irresponsible.

That one sentence contains a lifetime of programming. Most of us absorbed it so early that we don’t even know we’re running it. Seriousness means valid. Seriousness means worthy. Seriousness means you will not be left behind or looked down on or dismissed. And the flip side? The person who is genuinely light, joyful for no particular reason, a little silly, we look at her with admiration and a quiet suspicion and judgement in equal measure. We think, must be nice, and also, but is she serious enough?

The root of seriousness, I realized today, is the need to control outcomes. If I am focused and driven and never let my guard down, I can make sure things go right. But what nobody tells you, what I had to learn from a year of silence and avoidance, is that all that controlling is exhausting. And it is costing you more than it is protecting you.

I am not throwing structure out the window. I am a 6/2 Human Design Generator who has Sagittarius in her bones, I know how to move with intention. But intention and rigidity are not the same thing. Purpose and tension are not the same thing. And I had been confusing them for years.

What Coming Home Looks Like

What my Higher Self has been asking of me, all this time, is to soften. To make room for play. To believe, actually believe, not just write about it, that I can be joyful and responsible at the same time. That ease is not the enemy of excellence. That a relaxed body is not a lazy one. It is an open and receptive one.

I am still learning what that looks like in practice. Some days I get it exactly right, and other days I catch myself gripping the steering wheel of my own life so hard my knuckles go white. But I am watching. I am listening. I am starting to trust that the body was never broken; it was just very patiently pointing me toward the truth.

And the truth is that I am being called toward softness, joy, and pleasure. Toward a version of myself who doesn’t have to hold everything quite so tightly to feel like she matters.

How This Shows Up For You

You probably don’t have Muscle Tension Dysphonia. But I’d be willing to bet you have your own version of a body that’s been trying to tell you something you haven’t been ready to hear yet.

Maybe it shows up as the tension in your shoulders that no amount of massage seems to touch. The exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix. The low hum of anxiety that follows you into rooms where nothing is actually wrong. The irritability that surfaces when your life looks fine on paper but feels hollow underneath it.

Or maybe it’s quieter than that. Maybe it’s the way you haven’t laughed, like a real belly laugh, the kind that makes you pee yourself a little bit, in longer than you can remember. The creative idea you keep putting off for when things slow down. The version of yourself that used to be lighter, easy-going, more you, and you’re not quite sure when she left or how to call her back.

That is the body talking. That is your soul sending a signal that it’s time to let go and let play be your compass.

The truth is, the symptoms are rarely the story. They are the punctuation at the end of a very long sentence your body has been writing for years, trying to get your attention. And the healing doesn’t begin until you stop trying to fix the symptom and start getting curious about the story.

Seriousness told you that you don’t have time for that. That curiosity and contemplation are a luxury. That the responsible thing is to keep moving, keep managing, keep holding it all together.

But what if the most responsible thing you could do right now is to stop, soften, and actually listen?

What if the thing your body has been asking for isn’t another strategy or another healing modality or another thing to fix? What if it’s just permission? Permission to be softer. Permission to not have it all figured out. Permission to come back to yourself, slowly, and trust that what you find there is not broken — it’s just been waiting.

Your soul has a signal too. And it has been trying to reach you.

I created the Soul Signal Assessment for moments exactly like this one. The moment where something in you goes quiet and still, where a sentence lands a little too close to home, where you feel that unmistakable tug at your sleeve asking you to look a little deeper.

The assessment will show you how your soul has been speaking to you, the language it uses, the patterns it moves through, and the places it’s been trying to reach you. And because I firmly believe that more joy is not optional but a requirement in life, it also comes with a spirit animal and the medicine it carries for you. A dash of magic and a pinch of playfulness. Exactly what the doctor, or should I say, the embodiment teacher, ordered.

👉 Take The Soul Signal Assessment

Take it. Be curious. Let yourself be surprised by what you find.

And if it opens something you want to explore further, I would love to sit with you in a Discovery Call and look at it together.

👉 Book A Discovery Call With Nikki

You’ve been serious for long enough. Now is your time to relax and receive.

All my love, Nikki K ❤️♾️

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Every month I sit with the energy of what’s coming and allow it to move through me. The Akashic Records transmission for May came in loud and clear, vibrant, alive, and full of possibility. What came through felt less like a message and more like a remembrance of who you are and how you show yourself. This month’s message includes a spirit animal guide, a reminder of what the medicine is, and how to activate it within yourself.

This channeled message is exclusive for paid subscribers because the transmission is sacred and deserves its own space.

Wanna know what it is? Become a paid subscriber and receive my Akashic Record Transmissions each month, which are filled with clarity, guidance, and medicine.

Also included are 4 Soul Discovery questions that take you deeper into how you can work with the energy of the month and how to use the medicine for your soul growth.

The Energy of May

The very first thing I saw when entering the records was a flash of vibrant green. Green and gold, the signature of abundance, wealth, and love. Seems so fitting for the month of May.

This month brings incredible and exciting expansion. The energy is building on the past six months, where you may have felt still, in-between, suspended. This month is much different. It’s like there is finally enough fuel to launch the rocket ship. The waiting is over. You’re finally being pulled into a forward motion, stepping into your personal power.

But Spirit offers a gentle warning, don’t go too quickly. Notice the impulse to want to do it all at once. Yes, you have the energy and yes, you are equipped, but pace yourself. The goal is not to burn bright and burn out. The goal is to sustain the inner flame.

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I started a new series, Ask Me Anything, in my Substack chat last week, and I have had several questions about the Akashic Records. If you are familiar with me and my work, you know I love to talk about the Records. But you may not necessarily know why I am next-level obsessed with working with them. So much so that my new mentorship is built around teaching you how to read your own Akashic Records. That’s how life-changing this work is.

It was the fall of 2021, and I had just returned home from a beautiful retreat in Sedona with a Shamanic Medium and Intuitive Practitioner from Michigan. The experience left me broken open by a spontaneous Kundalini awakening on the last night of the retreat. I talk about it here: The Dark Side of Kundalini Awakenings No One Talks About.

I never could’ve planned for what was next. I was a new person, but at the same time, still asleep in a fog of confusion over the intensity of what I had just experienced. It was an initiation point that my soul had planned — one that took months for my mind to catch up with. So I did what I always do. I dove in to learn more.

The Akashic Records were mentioned more than once that weekend, and I felt a deep resonance with the word. You know that feeling when you get full-body chills, but you’re not sure why? Yeah, that was the feeling. It was as if I was remembering a part of me that had gone silent. Hidden. You could say the beast was awakened within.

I listened to every podcast. Read every book I could get my hands on. Took a course. All very spontaneous.

The first time I entered the Akashic Records, I felt a loving presence that blinded me with golden light. It felt like I belonged there. As if I were returning home from a long journey that had kept me separated from this Divine Light. In an instant, I knew this eternal light was tied to my destiny. I know that may sound out there, but when you experience that level of Divine grace, your soul knows. That is your truth.

I returned to the Records daily for insight. The guidance was clear and precise. Return for the next 100 days. So I did.

100 days turned into 100 practice readings, which turned into hundreds of clients coming for their own personal readings. From thinking the Akashic Records were reserved for mystical guides and psychic gurus, to ordinary me reading the Records. That was THE shift in my own perception. Anyone can truly access this information.

What Are The Akashic Records?

You may have heard of them before, but you aren’t really clear on what they are. In the simplest terms, the Akashic Records are an energetic library of everything your soul has experienced, is experiencing, or will experience — past, present, parallel, and future lifetimes. The word Akasha is Sanskrit for ether or sky. It’s why entering the Records feels like being carried up and away into something vast and infinite.

The Records are where everything is stored. Soul contracts, karmic ties, past life experiences, soul purpose, and limiting beliefs you are working through right now. Nothing is off the table.

For someone like me — a knowledge-seeking Sagittarius — reading the Records is the greatest gift. Not because it makes you special. We all have the ability. But because it delivers the kind of insight and guidance into your life that nothing else can touch.

The Akashic Records are a gateway into your truth and understanding of self. After the pandemic, more and more people are craving truth and authenticity. Not from another so-called expert who is perfectly fine feeding you BS, but honest-to-goodness truth. That’s what the Records deliver. No coverups. No obscurities. Just honesty, wrapped in a frequency of loving support.

There’s a faith that comes with reading the Records. Something I didn’t embody for most of my life. I couldn’t trust in anything outside of me. But here’s the beautiful thing — when I am working inside the Records, it doesn’t feel separate at all. It feels like one. Because it is already a part of us.

The Records don’t live outside of us in some mystical place that can only be accessed by the experienced or gifted. You carry the medicine, the wisdom, and the light of your own Akashic Records. They are with you everywhere you go. Your soul carries a frequency, and within that frequency are your actual Records.

Why The Akashic Records Are Important

I used to think I knew myself better than anyone else. Turns out, I was wrong. By reading the Records daily, I discovered blind spots I could not possibly have seen by reading another book or taking another course.

The Records are good for that. They will deliver truth beyond any set of expectations. They show you exactly what you need to see, not what you want to. The transmissions are raw, real, and honest. Sometimes they take my breath away because they are so accurate. So on point that I think to myself — you just can’t make this shit up.

I wish everyone would learn to access their Records because of the hope it gives. Not false hope. True, embodied faith that everything is working out. The beauty is magical. The frequency is light. The delivery is always on point.

Many of my clients come for readings because they want clarity. Guidance. Soul support when they feel like they’ve been left in the dark. The Records deliver everytime.

There is an epidemic among highly ambitious, overachieving women who feel lost, stuck, uncertain, and unsupported. It doesn’t have to be that way. I’ve seen proof — in clients and in my own journey — that we don’t have to live in isolation, afraid of what’s coming.

Our Akashic Records, which I often call our Soul Records, carry wisdom that is available in an instant. People come for insight into what their Higher Self is calling them toward. But they leave with so much more. They leave feeling validated. Seen. Heard. Understood. Empowered.

Meeting your Guides, Guardians, and Spirit team is inevitable when you enter the Records. They are there, waiting, ready to assist. I know it may sound out there. But you truly have a whole guidance team available to you. Don’t you want to know who they are? Are they animals? Angels? Ascended masters? Passed loved ones? What are their names? What do they provide you? These were all questions I had when I started channeling the Records. My team has even changed over time, which still amazes me.

People come to me asking — will I find my soul mate? Can you show me a past life with my husband? How do I leave my soul-sucking job without going broke? What is my soul purpose? That last one is the most frequent question I get. It’s a big one!

Here’s what I’ve learned: most of what comes through in a reading, they already know. Deep down, they knew. They just weren’t ready to face it or trust themselves enough to act on it.

Trust is the key to living a life that feels fulfilling and aligned with who you honestly are. By accessing your Soul Records, you learn to trust the sights, the sounds, the intuitive hits that seem to come from nowhere. You learn to trust the invisible. Faith becomes the foundation you arrange your life around. Control and trust cannot coexist.

Learning to let go is one of the biggest gifts the Akashic Records can give — because you know you’re being guided by a Divine Intelligence. You’ve met it. With your heart. You no longer have to wonder if it’s actually there because you’ve had a direct experience with it. That is the most liberating feeling in life.

When it comes to the Akashic Records, I feel like a proud mother who cannot stop raving about her gifted child who can do just about anything. The possibilities are infinite. But you won’t know until you experience it yourself.

I have spent the last three years giving client readings and have loved and honored every single moment of it. But the same guidance system I use in my own life has been clear — teach people how to do this for themselves. I am a teacher with a mission to empower. That’s exactly how Soul & Mind Alchemy was born.

I’ve seen it too many times in spiritual spaces — people relying on their guru for answers. I am not your guru. I am a teacher and a guide. It would be a disservice to keep answering your deepest questions through a reading and sending you on your way. There are coaches and mentors who build entire businesses on you needing them. I am not interested in that.

My whole life trajectory changed because of a psychic reading, and I still get readings from time to time. Asking for help is not the problem. It becomes a problem when readings become a crutch — when you are constantly outsourcing your inner wisdom instead of developing it.

That’s what Soul & Mind Alchemy is built to change.

What Soul & Mind Alchemy Is

This is not a menu of separate services stacked on top of each other. It is a single, integrated 16-week journey in which each phase builds on the last. We are not fixing what’s broken. We are remembering what’s true and releasing what was never yours to carry.

It moves through four phases:

In the first four weeks, we focus on remembering. You reconnect to your intuition. You begin trusting what you already know. Because the simple truth is — you can’t receive wisdom from the Records if you don’t trust yourself to hear what comes through.

Weeks five through eight are about releasing. We map the subconscious beliefs and survival patterns that have kept you in people-pleasing and self-abandonment mode. This is where your personal Akashic Record reading with me happens — establishing a soul-level baseline and revealing the root patterns that have been running the show.

Weeks nine through twelve are about returning. Deep soul-level healing with a Shamanic Soul Retrieval. This is where you learn to access your own Akashic Records directly — the shift from receiving guidance from me to becoming self-reliant in your own inner knowing.

The final phase, weeks thirteen through sixteen, is integration. A personal practice you will follow to build your self-trust muscle. A loving boundary-setting framework. A self-trust decision-making process you can use in any situation, for the rest of your life.

The arc is simple: Intuition → Akashic Records → Self-reliance. Trusting yourself is the precursor to everything. This is how you come home to who you’ve always been.

You already know. You’ve always known. You just stopped listening.

If you’ve been waiting for a sign that it’s time to stop outsourcing your power and start trusting yourself — this is it.

Soul & Mind Alchemy is open, and I am accepting women who are ready to do this work for real. Not the surface level. The deep kind that changes you as a person and how you show up in life.

Book a discovery call and let’s talk about whether this is the right fit for you.

👉Book your Discovery Call here.

It’s not an accident that you’re here. It is soul guidance that led you here. Trust in that.

If you’re not ready, that’s ok. Take the Soul Signal Assessment to discover your intuitive strength and how it speaks to you. Plus a fun addition. What Spirit Animal medicine do you carry?

👉Take the Soul Signal Assessment here.

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This is the final part of a four-part series. Start with Part 1: You Lost Yourself on the Way to Success for the full journey.

Already read Parts 1, 2, and 3? This is where it all comes together.

Imagine waking up, and the first thing you feel isn’t dread.

Not the low hum of everything you haven’t done yet. Not the quiet panic of whether you’re enough, doing enough, showing up enough for everyone who needs you.

Just you. Present. Grounded. Clear.

You make decisions from a place of quiet confidence. You don’t spiral into what-ifs or talk yourself out of what you already know. You feel something stable and solid inside yourself, and you trust it. Completely trust it.

Someone asks something of you that doesn’t feel right, and you say no. No guilt and no long explanation or excuse that is designed to make them more comfortable. Just a clean, clear no that costs you nothing.

Your life doesn’t look dramatically different from the outside. But from the inside, everything has changed.

You feel like yourself. Maybe for the first time in your adult life.

This isn’t a fantasy. It’s what becomes available when you stop looking for yourself out there and come back to where you’ve always been.

I know it’s possible because I am a living, breathing example of this. And I’ve watched women I’ve worked with do exactly the same.

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What Coming Home Looked Like For Me

For most of my life, I had gifts I didn’t understand and didn’t trust.

Psychic insight. A knowing that landed before logic could explain it. An ability to sense things about people and situations that I had no rational basis for knowing. I felt it constantly and dismissed it constantly. I had convinced myself that trusting something I couldn’t prove made me naive, ungrounded, or just flat out wrong.

What shifted wasn’t a single moment. It was a slow, deliberate return to my inner knowing.

Through the Akashic Records, I started to tune into something I always had access to but never fully embodied: my Higher Self. Not a guide outside me. Not a teacher above me. Me. The truest, most expanded version of me, who was waiting for me to stop drowning her out with doubt and fear.

And for the first time, my body felt held. Understood and supported. As if it finally had permission to relax from the persistent performance I had been operating from.

The seeking stopped. Not because I had found all the answers, but because I realized I was the source of them.

I stopped being my performative self, the one who produced, pleased, and proved, and became best friends with my true self. The one who could feel, trust, and serve from a place of genuine alignment.

What came from that wasn’t just healing. It was purpose.

I built a business rooted in my innate gifts. I began reading Akashic Soul Records for clients, offering them the exact clarity and guidance I had spent years searching for in everyone and everything else. The thing I once doubted in myself became the most powerful thing I had to offer.

The gifts you have doubted your whole life are not your weakness. They are your soul signal. And they have been waiting for you to finally trust them.

What It Looks Like When A Woman Comes Home

When Amy first came to me, she was suffocating in a job that was dimming her light and taking her peace.

She was a teacher, reliable, capable, the one everyone counted on. And she was miserable. For years, she had been dreaming of opening a metaphysical shop, a space that felt true to who she actually was. But the dream kept bumping up against the self-doubt. What if it failed? What if she wasn’t ready? What if she made the wrong move and lost everything she had worked for?

She needed clarity. Not someone to make the decision for her, she had been outsourcing that long enough. She needed to trust her own knowing enough to act on it.

That’s what we worked on together.

Through her own inner guidance and soul-level work, she started to feel the difference between fear and truth. Between the conditioned voice that said stay safe and the soul signal that said this is yours. She learned to move with precision, not waiting until the fear was gone, but taking aligned action while the fear was still very much real and alive.

She quit her soul-sucking job and opened the shop. She had listened to the inner knowing and followed her soul signal.

She could never have planned what would happen next. Something magical: a friend approached her about going into business together, offering exactly the financial partnership she had prayed for and quietly envisioned. It came to her because she was already in motion. She had stopped waiting for certainty and started trusting herself enough to make the next move.

She didn’t get brave and then move. She moved, and discovered she had been brave all along.

She unlocked the front door, turned the open sign on in her brand new store, and never looked back. For the first time in her adult life, Amy was living a life that felt most true to her. Not because everything went perfectly. Because she finally trusted herself enough to follow the breadcrumbs and the pull towards something bigger than herself.

What Becomes Possible When You Follow Your Soul Signal

Here’s what I witness in the women I work with on the other side of this journey. And I want to be honest, this isn’t a highlight reel. These are real, quiet, permanent shifts from that’s not possible to I am doing it!

This is the transformation that my clients make from working with me:

• She makes decisions from her own center instead of looking for permission from everyone around her.

• She feels a stability inside herself that no external circumstance can take away.

• She says no without the guilt that used to follow her everywhere.

• She trusts her inner knowing more than any advice, expert, or external validation. Even without proof.

• She stops white-knuckling for control over outcomes and starts moving with ease and grace.

• She knows who she is, not the performed version, the real one, and she no longer needs anyone to confirm it.

Then there are the things that surprise her. The synchronicities that start showing up, the right person, the right opportunity, the right door opening at exactly the right moment. Not because life suddenly got easier, but because she is finally moving in alignment with her Higher Self.

When you trust yourself, the Higher Self delivers, with ease, what you need in the exact moment that you need it. Magic and miracles stop being things that happen to other people and start showing up in your own life.

They start being things that happen because of your willingness to trust the process of life.

How Soul & Mind Alchemy Brings You There

Over fourteen weeks in a private 1:1 container, we move through four phases — each one building on the last, each one designed to take you deeper into your own truth.

Remembering — You reconnect to your intuitive capabilities and begin trusting what you’ve always known.

Releasing — You identify and rewire the subconscious beliefs and survival patterns that have kept you in people-pleasing and self-abandonment mode.

Returning — Through soul-level healing and your own Akashic Records, you come back to who you have always been beneath the survival strategies that have kept you small.

Living — You integrate everything into your life as a way of being. Your decisions, your relationships, and your sense of self become aligned with your truth. Without the guilt, shame, and apologies to others. You start creating a life that feels the most like you, on your own terms.

This is not a program about fixing what is broken in you. Nothing is broken.

It is a return to what has always been true, a rebuilding of the relationship with your own inner authority so complete and so grounded that you no longer need anyone else to tell you who you are or what you should do.

Your subconscious beliefs live in your body. Your truth lives in your heart. Your soul’s wisdom lives in your Akashic Records. Soul & Mind Alchemy brings all three into a conversation — and then hands the guidance system back to you, permanently.

You don’t need another teacher. You need to learn to become your own.

This Is Your Invitation

We started this series with a simple truth: you lost yourself on the way to success.

Not all at once. Not dramatically. Slowly, through decades of performing, pleasing, producing, and seeking. Through a life built so thoroughly around what everyone else needed that you stopped being able to find yourself in it.

We talked about why the work you’ve done hasn’t fixed it. About the cycle of seeking that leads back to the same place. About what it actually takes to reach the root.

And now we’re here. At the part where I ask you something real.

Are you ready to stop searching out there and come back to yourself?

Because everything you have been looking for, the clarity, the confidence, the deep grounded sense of knowing who you are and what is true for you, it has been inside you this whole time.

You were never missing it. You were just never shown how to access it.

That is exactly what Soul & Mind Alchemy is here to do.

Not to give you someone else’s answers. To help you find your own.

You already know. You have always known. It is time to come home.

If something in you just exhaled reading that — that’s your soul signal. Don’t talk yourself out of it. Don’t poll three people about whether it’s the right time.

Trust it. That’s exactly what we’re here to practice.

👉Book Your Discovery Call

A real and honest conversation to explore where you are, what’s keeping you stuck, and whether Soul & Mind Alchemy is the right container for your next chapter. I work with a small number of women at a time, privately, deeply, and with my full attention.

➜ Book your Discovery Call

👁️The Soul Signal Assessment

Not ready for a call yet? Start with the Soul Signal Assessment to discover which of the four intuitive abilities is your strongest signal — and meet the spirit animal that embodies the wisdom your soul is here to carry.

➜ Take the free Soul Signal Assessment

This is Part 4 of 4 — the final part of the Soul & Mind Alchemy Manifesto.

Read the full series: Part 1 · Part 2 · Part 3

Thank you for being here. It means everything. If you haven’t yet subscribed, what are you waiting for?

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In Part 1 and Part 2, we talked about how we become disconnected from ourselves and why insight alone doesn’t create change. Part 3 is where your life truly transforms. It’s about rebuilding the one relationship that actually determines how your life feels, your intuition. Let’s get to it.

Read Part 2: Why Seeking and Searching Hasn’t Led to Your Breakthrough.

Everyone thinks intuition is some mystical gift that is reserved only for gifted psychics.

That’s a huge lie.

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You were born with intuition. Every single one of us was. It came as a standard operating system with no upgrade required. But somewhere between childhood and the version of yourself reading this right now, you learned to tune it out. Not because it wasn’t working but because you were taught, repeatedly, consistently, by people who meant well, that others knew better than you did.

That wasn’t your fault. It was conditioning of the mind and beliefs. Passed down from parents and caretakers who were taught the same thing, who got it from theirs. As kids, we’re told to listen to our elders, follow the rules, and respect the authority of anyone who seems more certain than we are. And when you hear something enough times, you start to believe it.

So you turned the volume down on yourself. And you’ve been looking for answers outside ever since.

Searching for answers feels productive. It even feels like the responsible thing to do. Gather more information through books, in workshops, on retreats, and from known experts.

I called myself a truth seeker for years and felt proud of it. What I didn’t see was that every time I outsourced my knowing to someone who seemed more qualified than me, I was deepening the hidden belief that was running the show.

I can’t trust myself.

Constant seeking amplifies self-doubt and the story that you can’t trust yourself. Every guru you follow, every program you buy because someone else seems more certain than you, sends a message to your nervous system: the answers are out there, and they must be found to feel free and whole. And so the cycle continues. More searching. More confusion. More disconnection from the one voice that has actually never lied to you. Your intuition.

I lived this. Fully, completely, 100%, for decades.

The Moment Trust Came Back Online

I gave my power away to authors, spiritual teachers, and experts for a long time. They were more qualified, and I was still trying to figure it out. Whatever that actually means? So I followed their guidance willingly, and I ended up more lost than when I started. More imprisoned in my mental chatter and further from my truth. More confused and disconnected than I had ever been.

It wasn’t until I started reading the Akashic Records that something in me cracked open. And even then, my first reaction was I’m making all of this up. The doubt was so loud and obvious. My guides kept nudging me to trust my channel, to practice, to keep going even when certainty wasn’t there yet.

So I did. I practiced on myself for months before I ever did readings for other people. And something miraculous happened through that process, not overnight but with time. The doubt got quieter. My channel got clearer. The inner knowing started to feel reliable and trustworthy. I felt a newfound confidence that I wasn’t even looking for.

I wasn’t anointed or became someone with special gifts; it worked because trust is like a muscle, and I was exercising it every day. I was opposing the program that I couldn’t trust in the unseen, and that I couldn’t trust myself. And slowly, through that opposition, I became someone entirely different. Someone who could rely on the channel she was becoming for inner truth and Divine wisdom. It was there all along; I just doubted her for so long that the voice became quiet.

Intuition is God speaking to you.

The Signal Has Always Been There

Our intuition never really goes away. It becomes quiet. The world becomes louder. And we lose our connection with our truth.

The inner voice becomes buried under survival strategies and old stories about who you are and what you’re capable of. The compass was recalibrated to your circumstances instead of your truth. But the signal? It’s still there. It’s not waiting for permission to be heard; it’s waiting for your attention.

Intuition is not loud. It doesn’t compete with the noise of the external world. It’s small and subtle. So soft it can be easily missed. Our intuition is like a whisper, a sensation, a knowing that lands before your brain has a chance to talk you out of it.

That flash of clarity right before you overthink your options, that’s your intuition. I like to call it your Soul Signal. Because your soul is signaling to you your truth, and knowing that is innately yours. Not someone else’s truth, but what belongs to you.

The problem is we’ve been trained to distrust the voice. We learn to equate certainty with accuracy. We wait for something booming and obvious when the most important guidance we’ll ever receive comes through in a simple breath. It’s easy to miss if you’re not paying attention. If you’re rushed, overwhelmed, and not present, the gift fades without us even noticing. And when it does come through in those tiny still moments, we believe it’s too simple and can’t be true or trusted.

Starting With Small Choices

An easy place to start is to pay attention to the small things first. Not the big life decisions, those come later, when the muscle is stronger. Start testing your intuition by deciding what to wear today. What feels the most like you in that moment? Tune in to see what your body wants for dinner that night. Don’t be afraid to feel into it. You could also start by trusting whether to take that call or let it go to voicemail. What feels aligned and right in the moment. Let your body and inner voice be your guide and let your monkey mind relax.

These small acts of listening teach you what truth feels like in your body. Everyone’s signal is different. Some people get it as a physical sensation: full-body chills, an expansion, a tightness that says no. Some people just know, without knowing how they know. And sometimes that is the most difficult because there is no reasoning that shapes your decision. Some people hear their inner voice. Some people see it. Your soul speaks a specific language, and learning that language changes everything.

The more you follow it, even in the tiny moments, the louder it gets. The clearer it gets. And the more evidence you collect that your inner knowing is something you can actually bank on.

That’s when self-trust stops being just a concept and becomes an everyday practice.

Flow is Your Birthright

And when you start living from that place, life miraculously shifts.

Things start to flow. Not because life suddenly gets easier or problems disappear. Because you stop fighting yourself. You stop spending energy second-guessing every decision, polling everyone around you, waiting for someone else to tell you what you already know is true. That energy comes back to you. And you use it to create a life that feels simple, not overstretched.

Magic starts to show up in ways that make you stop and smile. Synchronicities that feel like little gifts dropped in from the Universe. The right person appears at exactly the right time. Doors open in directions you didn’t even think to look. This is what your life feels like when your soul signal is running the show instead of your doubt.

This is what it means to be self-sourced.

Living outsourced is exhausting. Get honest with yourself about how much energy you spend seeking confirmation, chasing certainty, waiting for someone or something outside of you to give you the green light. That’s the cycle that creates the overwhelm. The burnout. The feeling that no matter how much work you do on yourself, you still feel stuck.

It’s not that you haven’t done enough. We know that’s clearly not the case because of your exhaustion. It’s that none of it addresses the root: you still don’t fully trust yourself.

This is worth healing if you want to live a life of freedom and fulfillment.

Because when women are anchored in their own truth, everything changes. The way they show up in their relationships. The decisions they make in their businesses. The things they say yes to and the things they finally stop tolerating. Women who trust themselves break cycles, not just in their own lives, but in the lives of everyone watching them. Their daughters. Their clients. The women in their circles who are quietly looking for permission to do the same.

This is not small work. You are creating a legacy that’s worth repeating.

Right now, the world is noisy AF. There is more information, more opinions, more experts telling you what to think, feel, believe, and do than at any other point in history. Information is not lacking. It’s everywhere we turn. And somehow, in the middle of all of that noise, you are being asked to hear yourself again.

That’s the real work. Not another certification. Not another program. Not another person to follow.

Turning up the soul signal. Turning down the noise. Becoming someone who trusts the knowing that lives inside her, even when doubt is loud, even when it doesn’t make logical sense, even when no one else around her seems to get it.

This is how you find your way back to yourself. By listening and trusting in your own soul signal.

How You Can Learn To Trust Yourself

This is the exact foundation of Soul & Mind Alchemy. Mentorship, where you learn to become self-sourced instead of outsourced. You learn how to build the self-trust muscle one pump at a time. We clear away what’s been keeping you stuck. The conditioning. The self- doubt. The invisible patterns running the show.

By the end, you’re not looking at me for answers; instead, you know how to easily access your truth and inner knowing. That’s the whole basis of Soul & Mind Achemy. To start living a life that feels the most like you, confidently.

It all starts with one honest conversation. 👉 Book a Discovery Call.

People think that intuition comes through as a gut sense. It can. But it can also reach you in other ways. Knowing your soul’s primary language is important when you’re learning to trust yourself.

That’s exactly why the Soul Signal Assessment exists.

It’s a free assessment that reveals your primary intuition type . How your Higher Self communicates with you, and which spirit animal embodies the wisdom your soul is here to carry. Real specific insight into how you are personally wired to receive truth and how to start trusting it.

→ Take the Soul Signal Assessment here

Next up in Part 4, we talk about what life actually looks like when you’re living this way. Fully self-sourced, soul-led, and finally free. Subscribe now!

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Something has been growing and shifting within you. You may not have been able to name it. The Akashic Records transmission for April can help you understand it. This month's channeled message comes with an animal medicine guide, a theme that will make so much sense of what you've been feeling, and an invitation that I think is going to land exactly where you need it. This channeled message is exclusive for paid subscribers because the transmission is sacred and deserves its own space.

Wanna know what it is? Become a paid subscriber and receive my Akashic Record Transmissions each month, which are filled with clarity, guidance, and medicine.

Also included are 4 Soul Discovery questions that take you deeper into how you can work with the energy of the month and how to use the medicine for your soul growth.

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